This is Charles Klein and John Philip Sousa’s comic operetta The Charlatan, transcribed and edited by Arthur O’Dwyer (2025).

The dialogue and stage directions are taken from the HTML transcription made by Tracey E. Chessum circa 2011 “from the copy in the British Library’s Lord Chamberlain’s Archives,” which she writes was “registered with the Lord Chamberlain’s Office in London in 1899 [...] transcribed quickly in order to meet English registration deadlines [...] full of typographical errors.” Lyrics are largely as they appear in the piano/vocal score issued 1898 by the John Church Company, except where Chessum’s London version differed in an appealing way. The Act III opener “Note our grumpy growl” was separately published 1899 by the John Church Company, as “Right up on the firing line”; I have inserted it in the obvious place (as did Martin) despite its absence from Chessum’s London version.

Many small corrections, especially to punctuation, have been made quietly. Larger corrections, issues, and notes are marked in the text like this, with further details in the mouseover text.

The typographical presentation is inspired by Asimov’s Annotated Gilbert & Sullivan (1988).

See also The Charlatan’s entry in Paul E. Bierley’s The Works of John Philip Sousa (1984); Chapter 9 of John Philip Sousa’s Marching Along (1928); and this souvenir theatrical program containing photographs and plot summary.

A fully playable performance edition of The Charlatan was created by William Martin and Jerrold Fisher in the 1980s; a working copy of the libretto circa 1989 belongs to the Sousa Archives at UIUC (box 76 folder 5). Much of its dialogue and business originated with Martin, remain under copyright, and differ significantly from this version. See this 1984 magazine article for more.

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The Charlatan

Book by Charles Klein

Lyrics by John Philip Sousa

Music by John Philip Sousa

First produced at the Academy of Music in Montreal on August 29, 1898

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Dramatis Personæ

Demidoff, a traveling magician
Prince Boris of Bokhara
Gogol, his uncle
Jelikoff, a tragedian
Captain Peshofki, a soldier
The Grand Duke
Anna, Demidoff’s daughter
Katrinka, Demidoff’s assistant
Sophia, Gogol’s daughter
The Grand Duchess
Chorus of Russian Villagers and Soldiers

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Act I

Scene.—Bokhara, a village in the Caucasus Mountains, under Russian rule. As the curtain rises, a fair is in progress. Small theatre R.

[Discovered: A Chorus of Russian villagers, along with Prince Boris, have gathered around a marionette show L. and are applauding same, much to Koreff’s disgust.]

[Enter Skobeloff, from within the theatre R.]

Skob. [parlante] My first will be the beautifully sentimental, though slightly problematic, play entitled “Alphonzo the brave, and the fair Imogene.”

Skob. [parlante] How will the strange adventures of “Jack and the Bean—”

[Dance.]

Jel. Good Koreff, where is our audience?

Kor. [indicating the marionette show] Over there.

Jel. They do not appear to want us.

Kor. No.

Jel. Our art appeals only to the select few.

Kor. Yes—very select and very few.

Chorus [applauding the marionette show] Hurrah! Hurrah!

Jel. Shade of Thespis—list to that!

Kor. Such applause never greeted your efforts.

Jel. Think you I cater to yon noisy rabble? We can play without an audience.

Kor. We generally do.

[Chorus applaud the marionettes and give them money. Jelikoff and Koreff watch them gloomily.]

Kor. I have an idea. Watch me—do as I do—and we’ll make money fast enough.

[Koreff takes off part of his wardrobe. Jelikoff does the same. Koreff commences to dance. Jelikoff tries to imitate him. Queer imitations of acrobatic tricks to circus music. Chorus gradually attracted; they begin to applaud the dancers. Koreff stops dancing and goes round with the hat, collecting money. Finally Jelikoff falls exhausted on the ground as Koreff counts the money.]

Kor. ’Twas my idea—’tis my money. [Pockets the money] Bye-bye, Jelikoff.

[Koreff laughs and exits L. triumphantly.]

Jel. [watching him off] Serves me right for deserting the Muse.

[Exit Jelikoff. The Chorus joins in general merriment. Boris sings gaily to several Village Girls.]

Chorus disperse and walk about looking at sights, etc., but remain on stage.

[Enter Gogol and Sophia.]

Boris [angrily] Uncle Gogol, am I never to be free from this spying system?

Soph. We followed you for your own sake, Count Boris.

Gogol You were in dangerous company, nephew.

Boris These mountain maids—dangerous?

Soph. Why not? Some of them are quite pretty.

Gogol And we love you too well to allow you to forfeit your title and estate by marrying beneath you—eh, Sophia?

Boris Can’t I speak to a pretty woman without proposing to her? Ah— [He bows to a lady of the chorus and goes to speak to her upstage]

Gogol The young fool is just obstinate enough to marry one of these nameless nobodies out of spite. I wish he would.

Soph. You forget how much I love him.

Gogol And you forget his valuable inheritance, which, by edict of the Czar, I, his uncle and nearest of kin, inherit if he marries anyone beneath the rank of Princess. His father married a peasant girl, and the Czar is bent on keeping up the lineage. Ha ha—it’s a splendid edict. He must marry a princess—and what princess would ever think of visiting these mountains?—and he can’t travel without the Czar’s permission. Ha ha.

Soph. [sweetly] Are you walking this way, dear Boris? [Points L.]

Boris No. [Displays a paper circular] I understand this man is going to ply his trade here, and I wish to see him.

[Sophia takes the paper from Boris’s hand and goes to read it. Gogol takes it from her.]

Gogol [reads] “The only Demidoff. The great Demidoff. The great and only Demidoff. Dealer in black art; magic; and philters of all sorts, sizes, shapes, and sexes. Futures foretold without horoscopes, microscopes, or telescopes.” [Crushes paper] Bah. A charlatan.

Boris He may furnish some amusement.

Gogol Is not this the fellow who just escaped being knouted for turning the Grand Duke’s diamond ring into glass; and was bastinaded for making a pudding in the turban of the Ameer of Afghanistan?

Boris The same. [Laughs] A pudding in the royal turban—ha ha! I’m curious to see the fellow.

[Enter Katrinka. She is clothed as a boy, “Katrinket” (for thus Demidoff has always believed her to be). She throws colored circulars among the Chorus, who eagerly grab for them.]

[Enter Demidoff, drawing behind him a four-wheeled caravan with a curtained entrance. Caravan is placed C., between the small theater and the marionette show.]

Dem. Good people! The hitherto hidden pages of the future are now open to public inspection. With the assistance of Methusaleh’s grandmother, who is seated in yon caravan, I can read the stars in seven different languages, including Sanskrit, Aulic, Plat-Deutsch, Spanish, and other dead languages. I can cast horoscopes without a mold, make your fortune while you wait, and read your thoughts even before you yourselves can think the thought that you are thinking.

[Omnes fall back, amazed.]

Dem. Such minor gifts as second sight, sleight of hand, conjuring, and prestidigitation I regard as only the A-B-C of my profession. Per example: I take your watch. [Takes watch from a Peasant, L., shows same to audience, closes it up in his hand, blows on hand] I don’t even say tempus fugit— [Slips watch into pocket] Dear me, how time flies.

Peasant My watch!—Give it me back.

Dem. I gave it to you back. [Turns man round. The watch is hanging on the back of his coat. All laugh] A mere nothing, a mere nothing. That is only looking backward. What we would peer into is the future.

Peasant Can you tell fortunes by hand?

Dem. [angry at the interruption] Certainly—all fortunes told by hand. I haven’t a machine-made fortune on the premises. [Takes hand] Your life-line is somewhat obscure. The addition of a little soap and water will make it much clearer. Ten kopecks, please. [Peasant withdraws hand hastily] Now to bridge that awful gulf ’twixt us and futurity. Katrinka, notify the seeress.

Kat. Oh, what’s the use?

Dem. [forgetting his grandiloquence] You notify that seeress!

Kat. No, I won’t!

Dem. Katrinka, leave my presence.

Kat. What presents did you ever give me?

[Sophia holds out her hand.]

Soph. [aside to Demidoff] Tell me, am I destined to remain single all my life?

Dem. [considering her] I’m afraid you stand a royal chance. [Reads hand] If your face were your fortune you’d be permanently broke. [Looks closely at hand] Here are marriage lines.

Soph. [joyfully] Ah—!

Dem. Yes, but—dear me—how unfortunate—they are your parents’.

Boris I’ll ask the knave a question.

[Sophia hands Demidoff some money.]

Dem. Thanks—I’ll give you change presently.

Boris Look you, fellow. Can you tell me, by the stars, by incantation, or by deviltry of any sort: Am I to wed? What is my bride’s station in life? Is she—

Dem. One question at a time, please. Prepare to gaze on the mighty Prophetess of Caucasia, the seeress of Tophet.

[Demidoff opens the curtain of the caravan, revealing Anna in the costume of an aged fortune-teller.]

Dem. Oh, mighty seeress, what is the matrimonial future of this young gentleman? —Hush! [With awe] Let no one breathe. We are on the brink of the future.

Kat. Look out you don’t fall in.

Anna He will marry.

Boris [aside] By Saint Nicholas, a sweet voice for such a hag!

Dem. What will be her station in life?

Anna She will be— [She hesitates]

Dem. Well, that’s easy. She will be his wife, won’t she?

Anna Yes. Yes.

Dem. [aside to Anna] What’s the matter with you?

Boris Her name! Her name!

Dem. The gentleman will please not crowd the seeress. The books of the future are not always written legibly. The name might be blotted; you can’t tell. Come, speak!

Anna I cannot. I— [She is broken up]

Dem. [seeing that Anna is affected] The book of the future is closed for the present. [Draws curtain of caravan]

Boris Stop—another question—

Dem. Too late.

[As Chorus laughs at the failure of the trick, Demidoff opens the curtain again. Anna is not there.

[Exeunt Chorus, Gogol, Boris, and Sophia.]

Kat. [to Jelikoff] Do you know you are taking the bread and butter out of my mouth?

Jel. Am I? Where is it? I’m starving.

[Enter Anna from around the back of the caravan.]

Dem. Here, come back—do you want to be seen?

Anna No, but I—I—I want to leave this wretched life!

Dem. By what route: poison, cold steel, or water? By Saint Nicholas, you’re an ambitious lot. Look at that black-and-blue pair over there [indicating Jelikoff] and you, instead of reading the future, forget even the past and present.

Anna I could not deceive the young man.

Dem. Deceive him? Nonsense—he wouldn’t believe you if you did deceive him. Why, mankind is a peculiar lot.

Kat. Not so!

Dem. Ah so! Sit down, my pesky partners, and listen.

Anna Have you had breakfast, Jelikoff?

Jel. [brightening up] No.

Dem. Then you can clear away.

Kat. [to Jelikoff] How do you like your new job? [Laughs]

Dem. Stop laughing; matters are serious. If I don’t make a strike soon, I’ll have to shut up shop. Anna, you must make a rich marriage.

Anna Rich marriage—ha ha! Who would marry the seeress of Tophet?

[At this moment, enter Gogol.]

Gogol I know someone who would.

Dem. The Deputy Governor! [Assuming his mysterious air] Would Your Excellency like to peer into the future?

Gogol [looking at Anna] Rather a young seeress.

Dem. You’ve got it upside down. [Business with paper]

Gogol Your prospectus says something about showing a young man the woman he is going to marry—?

Dem. My famous cabinet trick. Nothing easier.

Gogol For a consideration, I want you to produce in your cabinet a princess.

Dem. Make it a queen and I’ll produce four.

Gogol You will perform your trick and exhibit this girl as a counterfeit of the Princess Stephanie of—of Ruchkofski—

Dem. Of whatkofski?

Gogol Ruchkofski.

Dem. Whichkofski is that?

Gogol The Princess is dead and the title is extinct. I’ll see that the girl is suitably attired. Boris will see her. She will afterwards appear as the real princess, and he will recognize her as the figure he saw in your cabinet. He may fall in love with her. He may marry her.

Anna [bobbing up out of the cabinet] Glorious—glorious! This is like a fairy tale.

Dem. Yes, it’s too much like a fairy tale. How about his social position? Does he belong to my set?

Gogol He is my nephew.

Dem. That’s not a bad start. But why doesn’t he select his own bride?

Gogol [confidentially] He’s bashful. I want him to get married; he thinks he must marry a princess—a mental delusion, of course. [Pointing in the direction of the caravan] She will consent?

Dem. She is with me. Father-in-law to a rich prince—! We shall be uncles. [Slaps him on the back]

Gogol [resents this] I will send the necessary dresses at once; and spread a report that the Princess is coming; and fetch Prince Boris.

[Exit Gogol.]

Dem. Boris—borry—borrow—there’s a ring about that name that plays a delicious tattoo on the drum of my ear. Anna! Anna—you heard? Our fortunes are made.

Anna [shakes her head] I don’t like this marriage business. It’s too sudden and I—

Dem. What have you got to do with it? Anna, it would be a source of great joy to me if you’d mind your own business. Why, you were pleased at first.

Anna I’ve changed my mind.

Dem. I’m glad of it; the one you had was perfectly useless to you.

Anna I see. You’re tired of me. You want to be rid of me.

Dem. Do you think I would desert you just because you made a rich marriage? You do me a gross injustice.

Anna But father, marriage is a serious matter, when you come to think of it.

Dem. Then don’t think of it. Look on the whole thing as a joke got up for the benefit of posterity. Good gracious me, your mother married; you can’t do much worse than she did!

Anna [eyeing him] No, I can’t.

Dem. And if you do as badly as she did, you’ll do very well. [Anna laughs] I wish you’d stop that meaningless titter. Our wealth and happiness are at stake.

Anna Supposing he won’t have me.

Dem. Suppose nothing! The Deputy Governor is rich—and will pay us well, anyhow. You’re always borrowing trouble.

Anna But—

Dem. But what? With the exception of your sainted mother, you are the most uncomfortable girl I ever met.

Anna [at caravan] Father—!

Dem. [pettishly] Why was I born to be a father? Why was— Will you stop picking holes in that curtain?

[Enter Jelikoff and Katrinka, L. Jelikoff is eating an apple. Demidoff takes it away and eats it himself.]

Dem. Ah, just in time. I have work for you both.

Jel. Have you any dinner for us?

Dem. How dare you talk of dinner at such a time as this? I am about to perform a gigantic optical illusion. Listen. Anna is to be the Princess Ruchkofski; you, Katrinket, will be her page-in-waiting; and you, Jelikoff—what can you be? [Suddenly] By the Great White Czar, we have no lady-in-waiting!—You, Jelikoff, must doff the buskin for the bustle.

Jel. Aye, I once did enact the Queen Mother in an affair written by an alleged English poet. ’Twas called Hamlet—a stupid play, but—

Dem. Well, the ghost walked in it, didn’t it? Well, it won’t in this—unless you are careful.

Kat. Why not let me be the lady-in-waiting?

Dem. You?

Kat. Yes—I—folks say I somewhat resemble a girl.

Dem. [surveying her] Then folks must be blind.

Kat. [stamping her foot] It’s you who are blind!

Dem. Boy, you are speaking to Demidoff, the all-wise analyst of human character.

Kat. True. I forgot. [Aside] The dear old bluff!

[Enter two Servants with a large basket.]

Dem. What is that?

First Servant From His Excellency the Deputy Governor.

Dem. [aside] He’s kept his word—the Princess’s wardrobe. [Aloud, indicating caravan] Put it in there. [They place basket behind caravan and exit. To Anna] Get into your new togs—we’re going into society.

[Enter Boris and Gogol.]

Boris It’s a clever trick if he can do it.

Gogol The knave says he can.

Boris Where is he? —Disappeared, eh? Let’s interview the seeress in his absence.

[Boris tries to pull back the curtain of the caravan, but Gogol prevents him.]

Gogol No, no, Boris.

Boris If this Demidoff is going to show me my future bride, I want to make sure there’s no deception.

[Enter Sophia L., hastily.]

Soph. Father, Boris—have you heard the news?

Boris What news?

Soph. There is a report among the villagers that the Princess Stephanie of Ruchkofski is here, or on her way here. Is it true? Have you seen her? Why does she come here?

Boris A princess, eh? I wonder if she is young and beautiful.

Soph. No, there’s not a princess in the Court of Russia who can claim to be even passably good-looking.

Gogol She is evidently not here yet.

Boris Perhaps it’s only village gossip. I’m going to take a look at that seeress if I— [Pulls curtain aside. Demidoff discovered smoking] Sold, by Saint Nicholas.

Dem. No, sold by Demidoff; though I should call it more of a giveaway. To what am I indebted for the honor of this visit? Oh, yes—I promised to do my great trick. [To Gogol] You want to see your bride that is to be.

Gogol I? No thanks. I’ve had my cake and eaten it. This young gentleman—

Boris [laughs] Yes—I—of course. It’s a joke.

Soph. [aside to Demidoff] One thousand rubles if you show him my likeness.

Dem. [aside] Cash?

Soph. No, but I—

Dem. Madam, I do not sell my art. [Aside] I may sell my patrons, but not my art. [Aside to the caravan, as Sophia goes disconsolately over to Gogol and Boris] Are you ready, Anna?—Then hurry up. I must gain time. [Aloud] Now, sire, examine the caravan. You will see that there is nothing inside but a few domestic data, and nothing outside but ourselves. There can be no possible way for a living being to enter without my knowledge: no fire-escapes to climb up, no side doors to avoid municipal authority, or—to quote an eminent littérateur—there ain’t no nuthin’.

Boris Is it visible to the naked eye?

Dem. To the naked—such a décolleté expression!—to the unclothed eye? Yes.

Anna [concealed] Go ahead.

Boris What was that?

Dem. Observe my ventriloquial powers. Are you there, Anna?

Anna [concealed] Yes.

Dem. Are you sure?

Anna [concealed] Of course I am.

Boris Wonderful!

Dem. That’s the way I deceived the Maharajah of Punjab. Great boy, the Maharajah; he was so impressed with my ventriloquial powers that he—that he conferred on me the Order of the Double Epiglottis. I feel the propitious moment has arrived—that we are on the brink of the unforeseen, unfathomable future.

[Calcium light on caravan as the curtain noiselessly opens, discovering Anna in regal costume. Boris spellbound.]

[Boris attempts to rush to Anna; he is prevented by Gogol and Chorus. Calcium lights quickly taken off Anna and curtain drawn. Lights up. Boris rushes to caravan, draws aside curtain, but Anna and Demidoff have both disappeared. Chorus affrighted by the magic. Boris sorrowing, wondering, as Chorus gradually disperse. Stage cleared, leaving Boris seated at table R. looking gloomily into space. Gogol at back, watching him. Sophia, also watching, obviously jealous of Boris’ attitude.]

Gogol A clever trick, eh?

Boris What grace! What beauty!

Soph. Ha! An illusion at best—a painted face. Why, it’s often practised in Hindustan. A clever sham.

Boris [with a sigh] I wish it were real.

Gogol [aside, rubbing his hands triumphantly] The young fool nibbles at the bait!

Boris [musingly] My bride to be, he said.

[Commotion off stage L. Gogol goes up and looks off L.]

Gogol [aside] Now he’ll swallow it, hook and all.

[Commotion nearer.]

Soph. Why do they shout?

Gogol [looking off, describing the scene] A gaily dressed party of travelers are entering from the Plecknard. They are alighting—

Soph. [in consternation] Strangers?

Gogol Yes; two ladies, a page and a—a courier.

Soph. [goes up stage, looks off] Father, do you see? It’s the same one, I’ll swear. [Looks at Boris. Aside] He will see her—

Gogol No, you’re mistaken—it can’t be. Boris, do you recognize—

Soph. No, no! Don’t ask him!

Boris [at table, not noticing] I am going home. I shall petition the Czar to allow me to leave here. I— Oh, why was I ever born?

[Exit Boris, sadly.

[Enter Anna costumed as the Princess Ruchkofski, accompanied by Demidoff costumed as her courier, Katrinka as her page, and Jelikoff as her lady-in-waiting.]

Dem. The Princess Stephanie of Ruchkofski is much moved by this friendly demonstration. Ah, do I not observe the Deputy Governor, Raseloff Gogol?

Gogol You do me the honour to recognize me.

Dem. I do. The Czar once showed me a picture of you—

Kat. No, it was me he showed it to.

Dem. So he did; but I was there, wasn’t I? [Aside] I’ll damage that boy yet. [To Anna] Your Highness, allow me to present Raseloff Gogol, Deputy Governor of Bokhara. [Gogol bows]

Anna Delighted. [Raises her veil]

Dem. Madame Jelikoff— [Gogol bows]

Jel. Delighted. [Bows; nearly falls] A plague on these skirts!—

Dem. [to Gogol] Her Highness will condescend—

Kat. Permit me to introduce myself. [Pushes aside Jelikoff, who nearly falls over again] I am Ivan Ivanofschefsky, page-in-waiting to Her Highness Princess Stephanie of Ruchkofski.

Jel. [tragically] Boy—

Kat. There now—don’t you begin.

Dem. [laughing to conceal his anger] I’m afraid we have spoiled him. You see, we love him so. I was about to say—Her Highness and suite will utilize your establishment—

Gogol [surprised] Live at my house—?

Dem. Her Highness will condescend to do so. [Looks at Anna. Anna bows. Jelikoff and Katrinka bow.]

Jel. And by my halidom, a right merry time we’ll have.

Gogol My house is too small.

Dem. We’ll make it larger! Friends, you may feast to your heart’s content till sundown. The Deputy Governor will pay the score. [All cheer]

Gogol I— No, no—

Dem. What, you refuse? Then Her Highness will pay. Come!

Gogol [aside to Demidoff] You’ll ruin me!

Dem. Princess, come nigh. [Offering his hand to Anna]

Dem. Your Highness, the Deputy Governor anxiously awaits us.

[Re-enter Boris, carrying a paper.]

Boris Uncle, here is my petition to the Czar.

[He sees Anna.]

End of Act I

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Act II

Scene.—Interior of Gogol’s home. Portico L. Window with trellis effect R. Entrance C. R. F. and room extending off R. Caravan L. C. with curtains drawn. Church seen off R. C., with a practical door to be used by the Chorus.

[Enter Jelikoff R., pulling open curtains. Lights up full. Demidoff discovered asleep inside caravan.]

Jel. Demidoff! awake! awake!

[Demidoff wakes up with a start. Looks round. Suddenly looks at table, hurriedly feels in pockets, then grabs Jelikoff by the collar.]

Dem. Give me that money!

Jel. What money?

Dem. [ruefully] —And then I woke up! Let me dream again. Why did you wake me up, you old chump?

Jel. Do you forget that Prince Boris weds Anna today?

Dem. Yes, yes, of course, but I— [Rubs forehead furiously] The loss of that hundred thousand has upset me. I had it, and it got away.

Jel. But why sleep here?

Dem. Anna is in that room [points L.] and I must watch her till after the ceremony. She might tell Boris the truth. The easiest money I ever—

Jel. Demidoff, I tire of this apparel. I—

Dem. After the marriage you may return to your native garments.

Jel. That’s all very well, but one of Gogol’s friends, Captain Peshofki, swears he will marry me!

Dem. What have I to do with your amours? Tell him you’re married.

Jel. I did—and he swears he will kill my husband.

Dem. Good.

Jel. Yes, but I told him—I told him that you were my husband.

Dem. [gets up] You bearded lady! Haven’t I enough trouble with Anna’s marriage, without bother about my own assassination? [Enter Katrinka R. To her] What do you want? I thought I had put you out.

Kat. You did, but I came back. I want to talk to you. [Takes chair, sits down opposite Demidoff; offers Demidoff a cigarette. To Jelikoff] You can get out.

Jel. Have you any more orders?

Kat. Yes. Shut the door after you.

Jel. What a rude boy.

[Exit Jelikoff R.]

Dem. Young man, are you aware that I am in my own house?

Kat. Well, it won’t be yours after I’ve got through with you. It will be ours. Now see here, Demidoff. I won’t beat around the bush, but will make a straightforward proposition. Unless you take me into full partnership, I’ll explode this fictitious fake about a princess—and you and your pretensions and ambitions will be sent skyward.

Dem. [surveying Katrinka admiringly] Have you any sisters?

Kat. Why?

Dem. If you have, I’d like to marry one of them. All I need is a wife with a four-ply ball-bearing triple-expansion nerve like yours, and in six months I’d own Russia and have an option on the rest of Europe. Get out, and get out quick! [Throws her out of chair]

Kat. Do you know, Demidoff—I rather like you, and I hate to see you make an idiot of yourself. [Demidoff advances as if to strike her]

Dem. Say, I’ll knock—

Kat. You don’t dare.

Dem. [weakens, hesitates] Well, what if I don’t? You’re too small; you’re— oh!

[Enter Sophia R. Demidoff bows to her.]

Soph. Have you asked him?

Kat. Yes—I—

Soph. Demidoff, you will promise: This marriage between your daughter and Prince Boris must not take place. Think of me.

Dem. Think of you—? Think of me! Don’t I count? My sun is past meridian and I’ve got to fill a stocking for my old age. A rich son-in-law is good enough for me, thank you.

Soph. But, Demidoff, this marriage will ruin Boris.

Dem. No, not quite. I’ll allow him a small annuity.

Soph. But—

Dem. It’s no use your “butting”; I cannot come between these two young hearts. In the mean time, I must get ready for the ceremony.

Soph. Demidoff!

Dem. No; where Anna’s interests are concerned, I am an adamantine concretion of immovable matter. [Stalks off R. with tragic dignity]

Kat. Isn’t he lovely?

Soph. My dear, you’re in love with him.

Kat. Can I help it? He’s such a colossal fraud.

Soph. So are you. You’ll make a charming pair. Boris will marry a beggar; he will lose his title and estates. Suppose I warn him—no, he would not believe it. Besides, Father would never forgive me. [Suddenly] Katrinka, suppose another Princess Ruchkofski came to Bokhara. Suppose you appear on the scene as the real Princess Ruchkofski; it will prevent the marriage.

Kat. But—

Soph. If you refuse, I tell everyone your sex. As a princess, you might attract Demidoff.

Kat. You know, then.—Well, I left home fascinated by Demidoff’s magic art.

Soph. I know all about it. Do you think you can deceive me, as Anna and Demidoff have deceived each other?

Kat. [clasps hands] Me— I see, yes. I’m to be the real princess. I’ll make Anna look like thirty kopecks.

[Enter Anna in full white wedding dress D. L. She wears a wreath of orange flowers in her hair. She is sad.]

Soph. [aside] Hush—come to my rooms; I will explain. [Aloud] How is Your Highness this morning? I trust Your Highness is well.

Anna Yes. [Aside] She is mocking me.

Soph. Has Your Highness any orders to issue? [Anna shakes her head] Perhaps Your Highness wishes to be alone? [Anna nods affirmatively. To Katrinka] Come.

[As they go toward D. R., enter Boris. He bows to them in a dignified manner and goes forward to greet Anna.]

Kat. [aside to Sophia] You’re not 1-to-50 with him.

Soph. Why, I’m only thirty-two.

[Sophia exits by door R., followed by Katrinka.]

Boris The wedding guests will soon be here; and in an hour we shall meet, never to part again.

Anna In an hour we may part, never to meet again.

Boris What do you mean? Stephanie—you love me?

Anna [crosses to chair] Yes, but—I—I have forebodings of some impending danger. [She sits]

Boris Love should drive such fears away.

[Action at back of stage: Chorus going into church.]

Boris My Princess!

Anna No, no! Oh, Boris, could you forgive me if—

[Enter Gogol D. R.]

Gogol Ah, here you are, Boris. I thought I would find you with the Princess Ruchkofski.

Anna I hate that name.

Gogol Well, you will soon change it for another. Come, Boris, the guests were assembling in the church when I left.

Anna Boris, I must speak to you before the ceremony.

Gogol No, no—after. [Dragging Boris toward the door] After. I am sure Your Highness would not wish to keep everyone waiting.

[Organ or choral effect off stage. All listen. The preliminary services have begun.

[Enter Jelikoff R., dressed as a bridesmaid.]

Jel. Come, Your Highness; your bridesmaids await us. [To Boris] And your two dozen best men are as impatient as if it were their wedding.

Gogol Go, Boris. [Boris throws a kiss to Anna and rushes off R. Gleefully] Victory! Victory—at last! [To Jelikoff] Madame, where is Demidoff?

Jel. I was helping him to dress, when a messenger came and he kicked me out.

Gogol Kicked you out?

Jel. Yes. But I was too well protected for him to do much damage.

[Enter Demidoff in a hurry. He is breathless.]

Dem. The game is up!

Gogol Up?

Anna Up?

Jel. Up?

Dem. One echo at a time, please. Yes. [To Gogol] You’ve muddled up the whole business.

Gogol Muddled?

Jel. Mud—?

Dem. Yes, that will probably be our nom de plume in the future.

Gogol Be more explicit.

Dem. I will. Do you know you have out-balaamed Balaam’s most asinine ass? Do you know that the seven foolish virgins are wise old women compared to you? Do you know that— But what’s the use of multiplying similes? It can all be conveyed in the expressive though inelegant term: Chump!

Gogol What has happened?

Dem. Oh nothing—a mere trifle—the real Princess Stephanie of Ruchkofski has turned up, that’s all. Oh, we’re not in the purée, oh dear no.

Gogol But there is no Princess Stephanie living.

Dem. Well, up to date there are two of them. A courier has just informed me that she arrived last night, incognito. She has heard of this marriage and demands an explanation.

Anna [crossing down] Father, I am glad this has happened. I always hated deception. [Taking off her orange blossoms and wreath]

Dem. Child, you are stabbing your fond and devoted parent in the back. Don’t add to my vale of tears. This marriage must take place now; it’s our only chance. Whatever happens, Prince Boris will protect Papa. [He fixes her wreath all wrong]

Anna It is cruel—cruel!

Dem. Cruel? You love him; he loves you.

Anna Yes—but—

Dem. Marriages are made in Heaven, a most respectable factory, and that relieves you of all responsibility.

[Enter a Page, R.]

Page Your Excellency, the services have begun.

Gogol We come at once. [Waves Page away. Exit Page]

Dem. How dare they ring up the curtain without me? Tell them to start over again. [To Gogol] What about this extra layer of Princess?

Gogol The Czar must have conferred the title on someone. I never thought of that.

Dem. I wish the Czar would mind his own business instead of mixing in our affairs! [To Jelikoff] Take Anna to the church; we’ll follow.

[Jelikoff takes Anna’s arm and half drags her D. R.]

Anna Father—one last appeal—

Dem. My word is given to Gogol. If he will release me, I will release you. Gogol, spare my child. [Gogol waves his hand] Must I ply—er—plea in vain? Have a father’s tears no weight with you? [Gogol shakes his head and goes up to Anna] You see? He has a heart of stone, and a head of wood.

Jel. Come, little one; it will soon be over. It’s only just like having a tooth pulled.

[Exit Anna and Jelikoff, R.]

Dem. After the wedding we’ll see the Princess. You can tell her it was a joke—say we did it to win a bet.

Gogol No. You tell her.

Dem. Why me? Who am I that I should be selected for such a delicate Machiavellian mission?

Gogol You are more diplomatic, more insinuating, than I.

Dem. Perhaps you are right. I might make an impression on her—a deep impression—who can tell. Why should not I aspire to a Princess? Come— [goes toward door] you have provided a wedding dinner for our guests?

Gogol Yes.

Dem. No bargain-counter dairy-kitchen lunch. We must have the best the market affords. There’s not a mean bone in my body.

[They are about to exit by door R., arm in arm, when enter Sophia in haste.]

Soph. Father! Princess Stephanie of Ruchkofski is here, direct from Moscow. She demands an instant audience with the Princess’s courier.

Dem. What does she want to see me for?

Soph. Boris’ marriage must be delayed.

Gogol [to Sophia] Yes, I’ll delay it. [aside to Demidoff] Not if I know it! Keep the Princess here until the ceremony’s over.

[Enter Page R.]

Page Her Imperial Highness, the Princess Stephanie of Ruchkofski!

[Enter Katrinka, dressed magnificently as the Princess. Same dress as Anna wore in Act I. Gogol is about to exit L.]

Dem. No, no, don’t leave me here alone! I—

[Sophia is following Gogol off. Exit Sophia, laughing at Demidoff.]

Dem. [not daring to look at her] Your Highness! I—we— [Looks D. L.] The— Did you— or— it’s— ah— it’s a fine day, isn’t it?

Kat. [sternly] I am not here to discuss the weather.

Dem. No—there are plenty of other things we can talk about—er—if we can only think of them. It is a fine day though—isn’t it? [Laughs] The weather will keep bobbing up.

Kat. I understand the Princess Ruchkofski—

Dem. Oh, don’t let us talk about ourselves. It smacks so of egotism. [Looks at her for the first time; starts] Who is it you remind me of?

Kat. Sir!

Dem. [pause] Did you speak?

Kat. No, but I will. You are a fictitious courier to a still more fictitious Princess. [Seats herself]

Dem. It was a joke! Upon my word of honour as a gentleman, it was a joke. [Aside] I’ve met that face before, but where—where—?

Kat. A joke the Czar will punish most severely.

Dem. It’s Gogol’s joke, not mine. He’s the Deputy Governor. He commanded and I obeyed.

Kat. I should never have discovered it had I not been hunting for my brother Katrinket, who ran off with a travelling magician named Demidoff.

Dem. Katrinket—? Dear little Katrinket—your brother! Princess, I thought there was an air of familiarity. Behold in me your brother’s dearest friend and bosom companion.

Kat. Friend?

Dem. Friend—benefactor—father—aye, almost mother! Why, Damon and Pythias were mortal enemies compared to us.

Kat. You love him?

Dem. I would cut off my left ear to please him. Ah, Princess, for his sake you will forgive Gogol’s ill-timed humor.

Kat. Yes, I may forgive Gogol, but I intend to have Demidoff flung into prison. [Crosses to L.]

Dem. [frightened] What for?

Kat. My brother Katrinket has disappeared. Killed, perhaps, by Demidoff.

Dem. Kill Katrinket? Me? Why, I couldn’t kill a fly!

Kat. So, you are Demidoff, the high priest of black art. [Advances on him, threatening] Where is my brother?

Dem. He’s on vacation.

Kat. Where?

Dem. I—he—he’s vacated, that’s all I know. Don’t worry about him; he’s all right. [Looks at her affectionately] Ah, now I see why I loved him so. [Takes her hand]

Kat. Why?

Dem. Because he is the tinfoil—the counterfeit—I mean the counter-part—of your own beautiful self.

Kat. [snatching her hand away, indignantly] How dare you!

Dem. I dare anything, for your sake! [Clasps her around waist] Your beauty has metamorphosed me into an ardent lover whose passion-sapped intellectual faculties are overwhelmingly saturated with a boisterous, burning, bubbling desire to become yours and yours alone.

Kat. You win. Then thou wilt join me.

[Exit Katrinka R.

[Enter Jelikoff, still in costume as the Princess’s lady-in-waiting, pursued by Captain Peshofki. Jelikoff rushes to hide behind Demidoff.]

Capt. You are not for ’im—I ’ave swear it!

Dem. What’s the matter?

Capt. You are ’usband of ’er—’er ’oom I love— [pointing to Jelikoff]

Dem. I don’t follow you.

Capt. I am Slav. I am soldier. I stab—I kill. [Business with sword]

Dem. That’s quite possible; but what am I to infer from that?

Capt. I love ’er— [pointing to Jelikoff] wife of you. If you shall stand in my way, I will make of you a dead body.

Dem. [catching on] But, my friend, there are obstacles.

Capt. I care nothing for obstacles. I am Slav. I am soldier. I stab. I kill.

Dem. But you don’t seem to understand. This is no lady—

Capt. Ah! You insult ’er! She is a perfect lady, yes.

Jel. I tried to explain, but—

Capt. Fair lady, you love not ’im, eh? No? Well, you shall love me. As for ’im, ’e shall die.

Dem. Will you leave me, then, for a minute? [To Jelikoff] You’ve got me into a nice mess, haven’t you?

Jel. It isn’t my fault.

Dem. Well, you get out of it the best way you can. [To Captain] Sir, I interpose no opposition. Go ahead.

Capt. Ah, so you shall live. [To Jelikoff] And you shall fly wiss me, is it not?

Jel. [in a deep voice, pushing him away] Stand back—are you bereft of your senses?

Capt. Ah, I am die of love!

Dem. See here, this has gone far enough.

[Demidoff takes Captain by the arm; takes him upstage; talks earnestly to him in pantomime for five or six seconds. They both look round at Jelikoff, who is standing L. C. unconscious of them. Captain recoils as if struck; places hand to forehead.]

Capt. Ah! I am craze. I thought ’is voice was terribly ’oarse for a lady.

Dem. Yes, that’s a terrible horse on you—and I think if you’d stop smoking these [indicating the cigarettes] it would help some.

Capt. Ah, I cannot believe it. It is a scheme of you, to so separate us.

Dem. Pish! Maluska!

Jel. Help!

[Organ and chorus off stage. Enter Gogol.]

Gogol It is over—they’re married! Ha, ha!

Dem. [aside] The laugh is on the other foot. [Imitating Gogol] Ha, ha! And now to congratulate my daughter. Father to Prince Alexandrovitch, husband to Princess Ruchkofski—by Saint Nicholas, I shall be a Grand Duke before I know it.

Gogol Fool! Your daughter is wedded to a pauper.

[Enter the Chorus of Wedding Guests, singing.]

Chorus Speech! speech!

[Enter the Grand Duke with entourage, including the Grand Duchess and a group of Russian Soldiers.]

[Enter Katrinka, still in costume as the Princess Ruchkofski.]

[Katrinka faints in Demidoff’s arms.]

[Exeunt all except Duke, Duchess, Captain Peshofki, and Russian Soldiers.]

Duke [signaling the curtain to be drawn] Captain!

Capt. Your Imperial ’Ighness!

Duke Inform [sarcastically] Princess Stephanie of Ruchkofski—that as soon as her fainting fit is over I wish to see her here.

[Captain Peshofki salutes and exits R.]

Duke “The Princess Stephanie”—ha ha!

Duchess The impostor! What impertinence!

Duke I little thought that when his Imperial Majesty the Czar conferred on you the title and estates of the late Princess Ruchkofski, woman, that we should find a spurious imitation here in our own mountain retreat.

Duchess I wonder who she is.

[Enter Demidoff.]

Dem. The Princess is really unable—

Duke Well, I didn’t send for you.

Dem. No, I’m an accident. I mean— [Looks at Soldiers; trembles] I’m very glad your Highness didn’t send for me. I— [Aside] I can hear the dungeon yawning for me. I must face it out. [Gaining courage] Your Highness, it was all a joke—a harmless little joke—and Anna borrowed the title intending to put it back—immediately. In fact we have returned it. The real Princess has forgiven us—and— [Dolefully] —all is as merry as— [A sickly laugh] —as church-bells.

Duke So, the Princess has forgiven you! [Turns to the Duchess]

Dem. Oh, yes, Your Highness. And enters into the spirit of the joke with us. Thought it was great fun. Asked us to do it again. Oh, the Princess is a cork. Très charmant, très charmant—Your Highness speaks French? [The Duke looks angrily at Demidoff, who notices this, and his spirits drop as he glances from the Duke to the Duchess and sees they are frowning] —It was Gogol’s idea, Your Highness.

Duke The Deputy Governor?

Dem. Yes, Your Highness. Oh, he ought to know better. I warned him, but—

[Enter Katrinka, R., as the Princess.]

Dem. Ah, at last. Your Highness. [To Katrinka] You will explain to His Imperial Highness the Grand Duke! But first permit me to introduce to you—Her Highness, the Princess Stephanie of Ruchkofski. [The Duchess rises indignantly. The Duke signals her to remain quiet] Princess, this is His Highness the Grand Duke.

Duke And who are you, sir?

Dem. Me? Why, I’m— [To Katrinka] Do you mind introducing me?

Kat. No, no. I— [Business]

Duke So, this is the Princess, eh?

Dem. The real thing. She will tell you it was with her consent we temporarily utilized the cognomen of Ruchkofski—eh, Princess?

Kat. No, no. It is useless. Your Imperial Highness knows only too well that I—

Duke Ah. You acknowledge the fraud.

Kat. Yes, I—

Dem. No, you don’t! [To Duke] Your Royal Highness, it was this way—

Duke Silence, sir.

Dem. I was only going to say—

Duke Silence! Or— [Motions to Soldiers. Business: Demidoff makes signs intimating that it was Katrinka’s fault. To Katrinka] How came you to assume?

Dem. She didn’t assume—she is the real article. You see, it was this way. My daughter Anna, the present Princess Alexandrovitch, in a spirit of harmless levity, accepted the title of Ruchkofski—with the permission, of course, of the original holder of the stake—I mean the title— [to Katrinka] eh, Princess? Your Imperial Highness found it out—laughed merrily at the joke—forgave it—and all’s well that ends well, eh? [Laughs heartily; looks around; no one else laughs. Gradually subsides]

Duke [to Soldier] If that man interrupts again, give him an inch of cold steel.

Dem. [aside] This looks like a conspiracy to railroad me to the better land. [Menaced with sword] I was only soliloquizing!

[Enter Anna and Boris.]

Duke Ah, Boris!

Boris Your Highness! [Salutes him. To the Duchess] Your Highness’ servant.

Duke I’m sorry to see you mixed up in this affair, Boris.

Dem. A man is so liable to be mixed up in his own wedding, Your Highness. [Laughs lightly. The Duke glares at him]

Boris Your Highness, permit me to introduce my newly wedded bride.

Duke Ah, congratulations. [Bows to Anna, who returns the salute] You have conformed to the Czar’s will, I presume?

Boris I have. My wife was, until an hour ago, the Princess Stephanie of Ruchkofski.

Duke What?

Dem. No, no—that’s part of the joke—we don’t want it dug up again. [Takes his arm and leads him away from the Duke] For goodness’ sake, don’t! She has your name now; forget all about hers. Let bygones be bygones.

Duke I didn’t catch the name.

Dem. [aside] Prepare to receive cavalry. [Braces himself]

Boris Until recently, the Princess Stephanie of Ruchkofski.

Duke Indeed!

Duchess How dare they!

Dem. [aside] Oh, this is double-barreled Hades!

[Enter Captain Peshofki, bringing in Jelikoff followed by Gogol and Sophia.]

Capt. Your ’Ighness, I can find no princess, but I suspect this lady is something of what she does not look.

Jel. I am innocent!

Duke Perhaps you are the Princess Stephanie of Ruchkofski?

[Jelikoff looks at Demidoff.]

Dem. Discovered at last. I knew the real culprit could not escape your Imperial Highness’ penetrating eye.

Duke That makes three ladies.

Dem. Up his sleeve, so to speak. Beats three jacks.

Duke Who is the guilty one? [Pause]

Dem. [aside] What, unanimous silence?

Duke Come, speak. I’ll give you two minutes to make up your minds which is the guilty one.

[Boris hands the edict to the Duke.]

Duke [spoken through music] “Imperial decree. Should Prince Boris marry anyone below the rank of Princess, he shall forfeit his title and estates to his nearest of kin. By command of Nicholas, Czar of all the Russias.”

[Demidoff orders Anna into the cabinet and draws the curtain closed.]

[He opens the curtain. Anna has vanished.]

Duke Arrest him! If that girl is not at the Ducal Palace in fifteen minutes, your life shall answer for hers.

[Boris and groomsmen draw their swords and rush on Demidoff, but are repelled by Captain Peshofki. Demidoff, protesting, is placed under arrest, as are Katrinka and Jelikoff. All three handcuffed together and marched off by the Duke’s Soldiers.]

End of Act II

---

Act III

Scene.—Exterior courtyard of the Grand Duke’s Palace. Large gate in the wall U. C.; steps leading up to the doors of the Palace at R. Discovered at rise of curtain: a Chorus of Russian Soldiers and Cossacks. They are headed by a Sergeant and admired by a Chorus of Village Girls.

[Mazurka. When the music ends, enter Anna L., dressed as she was in Act I.]

Soldiers Why, who’s this?

Anna [aside] If I can only find the Grand Duke and tell him all, surely he will restore Boris’s titles and estates. [Aloud, timidly] The Grand Duke—I wish to see the Grand Duke.

Soldiers The Grand Duke—she wants to see the Grand Duke! Ha, ha!

Anna I’ve important business with him.

Soldiers She has important business with the Grand Duke! Ha, ha! [Pointing and laughing at her]

Anna [angrily, stamping her foot] Do you call yourselves men?

Soldiers Do we call ourselves men? Ha, ha!

First Soldier I’m a man, and I’ll prove it by kissing you!

[The First Soldier seizes hold of Anna. The rest form a circle and dance around them. Anna struggles, boxes Soldier’s ears. Soldiers dance around and laugh.]

Second Soldier The captain!

Soldiers The captain!

[The Soldiers disperse rapidly and stand in military order. Anna rushes off L. I. and slams the door.

[Enter Captain Peshofki. All salute. Business with spears.

[Murmurs louder. Drums beating offstage. Cries of “Down with the charlatan,” etc. Enter some Soldiers with caravan cabinet, which they place R. C. Soldiers are followed by a mob, which they keep back and finally push them out the gate C. Also enter Jelikoff and Katrinka, handcuffed together. They seat themselves R.

[Soldiers, after closing the gate C., stand upstage in twos and threes, then gradually disperse and exit C. D. One of the soldiers opens the curtains of the cabinet, disclosing Demidoff completely loaded with chains. Two Sentries remain outside, seen through gate C.]

Dem. I want some air. [Takes a long breath, as if relieved] This may be exciting, but I’m sure it’s not healthy. [To a Soldier] Will you please tell the General of the Commissariat Department I want something to eat. I’m starving. [Soldiers take no notice] I shall report you for incivility.

[Demidoff sees Jelikoff and Katrinka at table. The two Sentries exit.]

Dem. Katrinka, can’t you get me a bite? I’ve already eaten part of this rope because it looked like sausage.

Jel. We have one or two troubles of our own.

Kat. Not a wink of sleep all night! He insisted on walking up and down the cell, and of course I had to walk with him.

Jel. Does our trial take place to-day?

Dem. Don’t you think we’ve been tried enough? All I ask is to be found guilty and put out of my misery. If only Anna were here!

[Enter Captain Peshofki, a Soldier with a tray before him. Captain points over to L. where Jelikoff is sitting, then throws him a kiss. Soldier places tray before Jelikoff.]

Capt. Release them. [To Jelikoff] When ’e shall be dead [indicating Demidoff] there shall be no more obstacle, eh?

Dem. [still upstage in caravan] I wonder if he’s talking about me.

[Soldier unfastens Katrinka and Jelikoff, then exits.]

Jel. [preparing to sit down and enjoy his meal] Oh, this is something like!

Dem. [anxiously] What about me—don’t I eat?

Capt. Silence.

Dem. I’m bigger than he is. I need more food.

[Captain Peshofki laughs and exits R.]

Dem. I’m turning into a vacuum. I— [Sees Jelikoff making preparations to eat] Thanks, I don’t mind if I do. [Pause] Jelikoff, I trust you are a gentleman.

[Katrinka stands looking on as if she would like to be invited. Jelikoff goes on eating, takes no notice of others.]

Dem. Jelikoff, in polite circles it is not considered good form to eat without asking those present to join you. [Pause. Groans] Say will you stop smacking your lips? I said it was not good form. [Sees that Jelikoff still does not notice him. Loudly] Say, give us a bite, will you?

Jel. [to Katrinka] Is he talking to me?

Dem. Katrinket! [Katrinka goes to him] Are we watched?

Kat. [looks around] Only the sentry.

Dem. Well, I’m going to make a break for the balance of that breakfast. Here’s where I put prestidigitating to a practical purpose!

[Demidoff wriggles out of his ropes. Goes stealthily R. to table, surprises Jelikoff, and with Katrinka’s help ties him up and bundles him into the cabinet.]

Dem. [as he divides breakfast with Katrinka] Do you know—it’s one of the marvels of the present century what great big hogs little men can make of themselves.

Kat. Perhaps we’ve tied him too tightly. He may be choking.

Dem. [calls out] Jelikoff, stop choking.

[Trumpet off.]

Kat. The Grand Duke is arriving.

Dem. Let him arrive. We demand justice! Gogol has deceived me; his daughter Sophia has deceived you; and they have both deceived Jelikoff. The story of our wrongs is a perfect chain of sequential circumstances. That reminds me, we must let Jelikoff out to give evidence.

[They go up stage and open curtains, disclosing Jelikoff.]

Dem. [as they untie him] You are the most troublesome individual who ever got tangled up in my horoscope.

Jel. Sir, if I ever get out of this place alive, I shall decline further association with you.

Dem. Ingrate! You were starving when I found you.

Jel. I am starving now.

Dem. But look at the meals you’ve had in the interim.

[As soon as Demidoff hears and sees Soldiers entering, he goes back into cabinet and pretends to be struggling within it. Jelikoff and Katrinka return to table R.

[Enter Soldiers headed by Captain Peshofki. They range themselves on the steps of the Palace. Enter Grand Duke and Duchess, followed by Boris, Gogol, and Sophia. Chairs placed for Grand Duke, R. C. On directions from Captain Peshofki, two soldiers guard the cabinet; four more arrange themselves by Jelikoff and Katrinka.]

Dem. [struggling] Your Imperial Highness, I demand justice. I have been cruelly wronged.

Gogol [laughs] Wronged—you?

Boris Triple assassin!

Dem. Why “triple”? Isn’t plain, simple “assassin” bad enough? Ah, Borry my boy, these are harsh words to use to Father.

Boris Where is my wife?

Dem. How should I know? You’ve had me trussed up in that cabinet like a toasted squab. She’s probably off on her honeymoon alone—you know how independent women are in these days.

Duke I will find a means to make you tell the truth.

[The Duke signals to Captain Peshofki, who motions off stage R. Enter two big villainous-looking men dressed like Executioners. They carry various weapons of torture, including thumbscrews, spiked collar, pincers, etc.]

Dem. [frightened] Here! I’ll tell the truth without means! I’ll— [indicating spiked collar] What’s that? Ah, now I know what Peshofki meant when he said I was going to get it in the neck. Rather than wear that, I prefer to be pinched. [He takes the pincers]

Boris Those tortures are trifling, compared to what will follow.

Duke Merely a preliminary proceeding.

Dem. Are there going to be any supplementary proceedings?

Duke Enough! What is your answer to these charges of witchcraft and assassination?

Dem. Da—

[Demidoff beckons to Jelikoff, who comes trembling to his side R., then to Katrinka who also comes to him L. They converse together. The Grand Duke, Boris, and Gogol confer upstage.]

Dem. [aside to Jelikoff and Katrinka] We’ve got one chance in a million. The most infinitesimal flaw in any link of our chain of evidence will irretrievably ruin us.

Kat. I’ll stick by you, old boy.

Dem. You’re all right. But I’m afraid of this fellow. [To Jelikoff] Can you remember anything?

Jel. Everything but who did it.

Dem. Who did it—! Gogol, you two-inch plank.

Jel. What did he do?

Dem. What did who do?

Jel. Gogol—?

Dem. Us, you hickory-pated idiot—he did all that we are supposed to have done!

Jel. Did he? I thought we did.

Dem. Go on. Plead guilty. Get it in the neck. Get pinched. [Shakes head] The old oaken bucket is a temple of profound thought compared to that sarcophagus of sawdust. [Raps Jelikoff on the head]

Duke [rapping sceptre on chair] Come, what answer do you make to these charges?

[Pause. Demidoff, Katrinka, and Jelikoff look at each other.]

Dem. Now then, all together. [After an effort. Beats time] “May it please Your Imperial Highness—” [Trip with business.]

Gogol It’s a conspiracy—a collusion!

Duke Separate the prisoners. [Business with Soldiers. Looking over paper] Demidoff, you are required by this tribunal of justice to produce the Princess Alexandrovitch—er—your daughter Anna.

Dem. All right, I’ll go and look for her. [Business. The Soldiers stop him.]

Boris He has spirited her away.

Dem. You’re a— If my hands weren’t tied, I—

Duke Silence.

Dem. Now I’m tongue-tied!

Duke You are accused of spiriting away an old fortune-telling sorceress.

Dem. That was my daughter Anna!

Boris Your daughter?—

Duke Enough. You will answer for these two lives with your head. Now for the others—

Dem. Oh, there are others, eh? What a pity I haven’t any more heads.

Duke What have you done with Jelikoff the tragedian?

Gogol [aside to Jelikoff upstage] If you wish to save your own life, remain silent.

Dem. Jelikoff? Oh, that’s easy.

[Demidoff looks to Jelikoff for assistance. Jelikoff, U., looks up, pretending he doesn’t know Demidoff.]

Dem. Jelikoff. [Louder] Jelikoff. Speak up.

Duke It is useless; the man has disappeared.

Dem. No, he hasn’t. There he is. [Points to Jelikoff] Speak; you are Jelikoff the comedian!

Jel. Tragedian!

Dem. What’s the difference? You’re Jelikoff! Come, speak up.

Jel. Yes, I—that is—I think I’d better not. [Looks helplessly from Gogol to Demidoff]

Capt. ’E is ’usband of ’er. She would die for ’im.

Jel. No!—Yes!

Dem. [looks around helplessly] I’m through. [Takes spiked collar from Executioner; puts it on; finds it hurts; hands it back]

Gogol [aside to Katrinka] Contradict Demidoff.

Kat. Never. I said I would stand by him, and I will.

Gogol But if you deny his story, they will think he is insane and his life will be saved.

Kat. True!

Duke [reading paper] There is one more count in this indictment.

Dem. [laughing bitterly] Count? Why not make it a Prince, or a Grand Duke?

Duke The boy known as Katrinket has disappeared. Where is he?

Dem. [laughs satirically] Oh, this is simply wasting my time. These proceedings are degenerating into a species of entertainment known as hippodroming, and my breath is too valuable to waste. [To Katrinka] Just tell them, Katrinket.

Gogol [aside to Katrinka] Remember!

Kat. [shakes head; aloud] His mind must be wandering.

Dem. [looking around helplessly] I guess it is. My head will be wandering around with it soon. [Sees Gogol] Gogol, it may sound like sarcasm, but I appeal to your sense of honor. [Gogol waves him away] Did you not lead me into this hapless mass of chaotic complication? Did you not make me the quadruplex assassin I appear to be?

Gogol I?

Dem. Aye! [Gogol laughs sardonically.]
      Jelikoff? [Jelikoff looks up and shakes head sadly as if sorry.]
      Katrinket! [Katrinka looks at him and shakes her head sadly.]
      Boris! [Boris waves him away.]

Dem. [looks around] Elected by an overwhelming majority. [Taking instruments of torture from Executioners] To the victor belongs the spoils.

Duke Enough! [To Katrinka and Jelikoff] You two are free. [They are hustled out by soldiers] As for you, Demidoff, you may prepare to meet your fate.

Dem. What kind of fate? Oh— final fate. [He sobs]

Capt. Now, what is matter wiss you?

Dem. Wiss me the matter is that I’ve bitten off more than I can chew. A man should be satisfied with his lot in life, and not hanker for the unattainable. My predicament reminds me of the old story of the frogs. You ever hear the story? It’s a very good one. [Executioners shake their heads no] Well, I’ll tell you.

[Exeunt Chorus and omnes except for Demidoff, Captain Peshofki, and the two Sentries beyond the gate.]

Capt. [looks around confidentially] You would escape, is it?

Dem. Is it what?

Capt. If you shall make a separation wiss Madam Demidoff, you shall go—escape.

Dem. Separation? I’ll make an assignment! Deed of gift, or power of attorney—anything.

Capt. And you will leave Bokhara.

Dem. Leave it? I’ll tear the entire map of Russia out of my atlas and make you a present of it.

Capt. [pointing D. R.] Take a door there—opposite the wall. [Points L.] It lead to an alley, you see.

Dem. No, I don’t.

Capt. It lead to an alley—

Dem. It must be a blind alley. I don’t see—

Capt. [pointing D. L. I.] There. That door.

Dem. Oh!

Capt. Wait there. You climb a tree. I will bring uniform.

Dem. And I shall be up a tree, eh? Yes, I guess I shall!

Capt. Go. I will watch.

[Captain Peshofki strolls upstage and talks with the Sentries. Obviously attracts their attention to something upstage.]

Capt. [going quietly D. L.] Let me see—I must climb a blind alley till I come to a tree, and then— [Looks off] That form crouching in the doorway—it’s Anna! Anna, ’tis I, Demidoff, your poor perturbèd parent!

[Enter Anna.]

Dem. I’m so glad I— [Hysterically] I—ha ha—I’ve found you! I’ve found you! [Then, angrily] Where have you been? How dare you lead me such a dance? [Anna steps back] No, don’t go! Don’t go!

Anna I came to confess all to the Grand Duke. I was afraid of the soldiers and hid over there.

Dem. Afraid? How can your father’s daughter utter such a word? Afraid of a paltry regiment of soldiers! I’ve been dancing on loaded dynamite all day and hain’t flinched a muscle. But I’ll show them. Hush—go in there.

[Demidoff goes up and stands at L. of cabinet so that Captain Peshofki and Sentries cannot see him. Anna gets into the cabinet. Captain Peshofki looks around and does not see Demidoff.]

Capt. He have gone. [To Sentries] The prisoner have escape! Sound alarm. [One of the Sentries beats a drum. Pause] You will find him up one tree, in a alley. Shoot him. Shoot him.

[Enter hurriedly Grand Duke, Duchess, Boris, Gogol, Sophia, and Soldiers.]

Capt. [to all] Demidoff have escape! [To Sentries] Shoot him. Shoot him dead.

Dem. [sauntering round cabinet so that all can see him] Yes, be very careful on that point. I don’t want to be killed on the installment plan.

Duke Captain, what’s the meaning of this?

Dem. It means, Your Royal Highness, that although the alley may be blind, I am not. The Captain [indicating him] wanted me to escape so that he might make me a storage warehouse for bullets. But virtue is ever triumphant—and justice invariably poetic—as I propose to make that arch-villain [indicating Gogol] eat the indigestible fate he has prepared for me.

[Noises offstage at gate. Enter Jelikoff and Katrinka dressed in their original costumes: Jelikoff as a tragedian and Katrinka as the boy Katrinket. They struggle with the Sentries and burst through, followed by the Chorus of Villagers.]

Duke What is it?

Jel. My lord! My lord, an injustice most foul—

Kat. [pointing to Demidoff] He has committed no crime.

Duke Silence! Who are they?

Boris The young page Katrinket and the tragedian Jelikoff. Oh, if only she came back!

Dem. The cat came back; why not she? Your Royal Highness, I charge Raseloff Gogol with attempting to defraud his nephew Boris of his title and estates.

Gogol How will you prove it?

Dem. Anna herself shall testify. I suppose you all thought I spirited her away in earnest? Ha ha—an excellent compliment to my professional handiwork. Behold!

[Part of Incantation No. during which the scenes appear in cabinet and are dimmed from view, after which Anna appears in the same costume as she first appeared in Act I. After have them with tenor and soprano passages at end of which Boris rushes to embrace her. She holds him out at arm’s length.]

Anna No! No, I am an impostor.

Duke At whose instigation did you assume that title?

Anna [pointing to Gogol] His!

[Gogol goes to leave.]

Duke I shall investigate, and if true will petition the Czar to restore you your title and estates.

Gogol Boris! [Boris waves him away]

Dem. Son-in-law, she is yours—with or without your title. Katrinka, kiss your daughter, the Princess Alexandrovitch.

Kat. My daughter?

Dem. Well, she will be, when— [Kisses Katrinka’s hand, puts her arm through his.]

Jel. [to Captain Peshofki in a deep voice] Well—what about it?

Capt. I— [Stares] Good ’eaven. ’E is not wife of ’im—no. Good ’eaven.

[The happy couples pair off: Demidoff with Katrinka, Boris with Anna, and Jelikoff (why not?) with Sophia; with the Grand Duke and Duchess presiding. Gogol arrested by Soldiers. Captain Peshofki befuddled.]

Curtain