John Philip Sousa’s comic operetta The Free Lance, transcribed and edited by Arthur O’Dwyer (2025).
The dialogue and stage directions are based on those in a typescript of unclear provenance. Lyrics are largely as they appear in the piano/vocal score issued 1906 by the John Church Company, with some interpolations from the typescript.
Many small corrections, especially to punctuation, have been made quietly. Larger corrections, issues, and notes are marked in the text like this, with further details in the mouseover text.
The typographical presentation is inspired by Asimov’s Annotated Gilbert & Sullivan (1988).
See also The Free Lance’s entry in Paul E. Bierley’s The Works of John Philip Sousa (1984).
A concert performance edition of The Free Lance was created by Basil Langton in 1979. A copy of Langton’s typescript exists in the Library of Congress’ Sousa collection (box 85 folder 14) and in the Paul Bierley papers in the Sousa Archives at UIUC (box 77 folder 6). Almost all of its dialogue originated with Langton, remains under copyright, and differs significantly from this version.
Book by Harry Bache Smith
Lyrics by John Philip Sousa
Music by John Philip Sousa
First produced at the Court Square Theater in Springfield, Massachusetts, on March 26, 1906
Act I — Garden of Emperor’s palace, Braggadocia.
Act II — Border line dividing Braggadocia from Graftiana.
Scene.—Garden of the Emperor’s Palace. At back is a marble terrace with colonnade and wide steps. At right and left of the steps, on pedestals, are marble statues, not quite finished. Beyond, a view of a park and garden. At right and left are fine old trees whose branches meet in an arch at center, forming a canopy of foliage. Flower beds and climbing roses wherever practical.
[Discovered: Lords and Ladies of the Court; Pages and Maids of Honor. The costumes are of white or light tints and gold. All are occupied as amateurs of literature and art. Several are working at pictures on easels. Several have scrolls and quill pens and are composing poetry. Others are playing upon musical instruments of antique pattern, some of these instruments being quite clumsy and grotesque. Some are writing music; others are working upon the unfinished statues on the pedestals. A group of pages are gathered about one of their number who is reading from an illustrated book.
[The scene represents a court whose members have risen above the sordid details of everyday life and have become devotees of art.]
Chorus
On parchment fair, with grey-goose quill, With easel, brushes, and palette; With lyre and lute Or cithern or flute Or else with chisel and mallet, We work all day with zeal and will All happy and optimistic; It’s the proper thing At the court of a King Who is nothing if not artistic.
Four Girls We love to paint The seraph and saint That rival Fra Angelico’s. Our works have charm That can disarm The critics fierce and bellicose.
All With heart and mind To art inclined, Expressing ev’ry emotion, To Muses nine We build a shrine And worship in all devotion.
Four Tenors We are the poets lyrical, The tragic and satirical, Devoting all our time To scanning and to measuring, To polishing and treasuring The pure and perfect rhyme.
Musicians
Musicians we Who quite agree To lead a life harmonious. We sing and play All night, all day, Evoking sounds euphonious. With heart and voice Our music bids the poor old world rejoice.
All All lovely art— We worship at thy shrine. With lovely heart We beg the grace divine. We give no heed To sordid things of Earth. To us indeed They are of little worth. Our creditors may rail; From them we gladly part To worship thee! All hail, O wise and lovely art! All hail!
Jacq. Ah, what an ideal court is ours. Think of it—a whole nation of poets, painters, sculptors, musicians.
Leand. In the entire empire of Braggadocia there is no one who can be charged with being of the least possible use.
All [languishing] Lovely, indeed!
Diane At present we should have but two themes for our inspiration: Love and marriage.
Leand. Love and marriage! Art is not broad enough to include both!
Jacq. The marriage of our Princess Yolande is expected daily.
Diane And, that over, perhaps her maids of honor may have a chance.
[That flourish of trumpets which is identified with the Princess Yolande is heard offstage.]
Leand. The Princess! our Princess Yolande!
[Enter Yolande from over the upstage terrace. All laugh joyously. The Maids of Honor run to welcome her.]
Yol. [imperiously] Be silent, all of you. How have you the minds for gaiety when you know what my fate is to be? [Comes down]
Leand. Is it so dreadful a thing, then, Princess, to be married to a prince?
Yol. How can I tell how dreadful it may be when I have never seen him? [Impetuously] Marry a man I have never seen! Is he tall or short? Fair or ugly? Generous or miserly? Does he squint? Hath he a humpback—a limp—bowed legs—a hare-lip? Who knows? Not I! And I must marry this Prince Florian? [In a burst of rage] Marry him! ah!—
Diane But perhaps you may love him.
Yol. Love! [Laughs] Prate not to me of love. Who knows what it is? Can you weigh it, measure it, see it? I vow I never yet met two persons who held the same opinion of this love.
Song—Yolande
Yol. Within a convent garden old I met a calm and saintly nun; The story of her heart all told, Her worldly day forever done. No more for her the smiles and sighs, That once a lover’s heart might stir. She looked on me with thoughtful eyes, And—“What is love?” I asked of her.
Her pale lips trembled with a sigh And this to me she made reply:
“Daughter, shun this earthly love. “Fix your thoughts, I pray, above. “Love is a boat on a troubled stream— “Love is the grief at the end of a dream— “Love is a blossom that fades away— “Woe for a life, pays joy for a day. “List to me, daughter; alas, I know, “For I loved once in the long ago.”
Chorus Daughter, shun this earthly love, etc.
Yol. I met a maiden fair to see, The vision of a summer day; As pretty as a girl can be, And oh, she had a winning way. She had alluring eyes of blue, The laughing lips that men prefer; The ways of man methought she knew, So—“What is love?” I asked of her.
She laughed until I blushed for shame, And thus replied this lovely dame:
“Why, love’s the sport of a summer day; “It must be gay and jolly. “And love’s the debt that men must pay ”For leading us to folly. ”To make them think you an angel are ”From heaven up above, ”Then laugh in scorn when you make them mourn— ”That’s my idea of love.”
Chorus Yes, love’s the sport of a summer day, etc.
Yol. I chanced to meet a soldier bold, So flashing in his brave array, With an easy air to all the fair— No damsel ever said him nay. He doffed his hat and smiled at me Until I blushed a rosy red. “You must be mine; you’re quite divine,” And—“What know you of love?” I said.
He put his arm ’round me like this, And said, ”Well—love? I’ll teach you, miss.”
“To march a-swaggering into town “While the girls admire our glory, “To win the hearts of the village maids “And tell the same old story. “To win the prettiest of the belles you meet “Wherever you rove o’er land or sea, “Then march away, though they grieve for aye, “Why, that’s the love for me.”
Chorus To march a-swaggering into town, etc.
Yol. But I shall know soon what manner of man I am to marry. Sir Pertinax returns today from the Court of Graftiana.
Syl. Yes, we shall know the worst at once; for here is Sir Pertinax.
Yol. The Court Censor! I like him not.
All Nor I—nor I!
[Amid these murmurs of dislike, enter Sir Pertinax. He is a haughty and cynical person with a blasé manner. A pause before he speaks.]
Pert. I regret very much to say that I utterly disagree with you.
Yol. Why, nobody has said anything!
Pert. Ah, but you are thinking things, and, as Court Censor, disapproval is the breath of life to me. Princess, it is all arranged. You are to marry Florian to-day.
Yol. [enraged] There! You see? I am disposed of as a chattel. I am goods in the market-place, no more. I am produce—wares—a commodity. [The Maids of Honor try to soothe her] And what manner of man is the Prince, my purchaser?
Pert. Madam, he has done but one clever thing in his life, and that was to select his father.
Yol. [enraged again] There! You hear? He is a clod! I shall never marry him—never! Tell that to my father. Let him take care, when he makes the sale, that he can deliver the merchandise.
[Exit Yolande.]
Pert. What a heavenly life awaits the happy bridegroom.
Jacq. Does it not delight you, O Pertinax, to bask again in an artistic atmosphere?
Pert. I detest it. I do not approve of our Emperor’s ambition. He wishes everything—to be everybody—artist, musician, poet, diplomat, warlord. He would fain shake the thrones with one hand while he writes a comic opera with the other. In fact, he—
[Enter Herald, interrupting.]
Herald His Imperial Majesty! Let all keep their opinions to themselves.
[Exit Pertinax, with music under.]
Chorus
With apparent ebullition Of enthusiasm loyal— With an artful exhibition Of devotion Let us greet with joy pretended This Methuselah so royal; Or he will be offended, We’ve a notion. All hail!
[Enter the Emperor, a genial old gentleman. His manner is nervous and fidgety.]
Song—Emperor
Emp. I grant that there are people who have talents rather various, Quite capable and clever In some fields of endeavor; But I opine my genius is much more multifarious; My general proficience Is the next thing to omniscience. Of course there may be others with a little stray ability, But I’m the sole monopolist of wholesale versatility. There’s not an art or science of which anyone may tell In which I do not perfectly excel.
But I do it all by proxy, By proxy, by proxy; Oh, I hire a clever chap to represent me, don’t you see. I think it’s rather foxy— It certainly is foxy— Oh, another fellow does the work; the credit comes to me!
Chorus He does it all by proxy, By proxy, by proxy; Oh, he hires a clever chap to represent him, don’t you see. He thinks it’s rather foxy— It certainly is foxy— Oh, another fellow does the work, and he’s the legatee!
Emp. As a poet I have made myself a veritable laureate; My verses are so pretty, So pathetic or so witty. I read while at my breakfast, and though critics may excoriate, High praise of them I mutter As I munch my bread and butter. There may be other poets, but their verse is weak and tenuous; My verses, on the contrary, are vigorous and strenuous; I hire a pauper bard to write my grand immortal rhyme— It really saves me quite a lot of time.
But I do it all by proxy, By proxy, by proxy; Oh, he works for board and lodging and is grateful as can be. I think it’s rather foxy— It certainly is foxy— Oh, I get him very cheap and all the credit comes to me!
Chorus He does it all by proxy, etc.
Emp. As military hero I’m remarkably industrious; Of Mars I am the image In the carnage of a scrimmage; I’ve fought and died on many fields to win a name illustrious; In fact I’m so courageous That I have been called rampageous. I’ve often laid a forlorn hope and died to win a victory— Although my telling you may seem a trifle contradictory— My hero’s grave is yonder; it’s a monument ornate; I’m lying—yes, I’m lying there in state.
But I do it all by proxy, By proxy, by proxy; Oh, I hired a bright young fellow who was me a while, you see— I fight and die by proxy— Chorus It’s hardly orthodoxy— Emp. He’s found a hero’s finish and the credit comes to me!
Chorus He does it all by proxy, etc.
Emp. And when it comes to music I am right in line with Orpheus, A real virtuoso; I do not think, I know so. The jealous flee before me while the dull I lull to Morpheus. With sackbut and with spinet I am busy ev’ry minute. My skill upon the jew’s-harp always quiets vulgar witticism; My blasts upon the double-bass compel the kindly criticism; And when I play the trumpet it’s the sweetest of all boons; I’m blowing—yes, I’m blowing pretty tunes.
But I do it all by proxy, By proxy, by proxy; The bugler I employed would practice night and day, you see. I practiced thus by proxy Till nervous folks drank Moxie. The neighbors rose and slew him, but the credit comes to me!
Chorus He does it all by proxy And is clever as can be.
Emp. So, you see, it is by my system of proxies that I get a reputation for being able to do everything.
[Exit Leandre and Pages. Re-enter Pertinax.]
Emp. But what luck, Pertinax? Has your embassy been successful?
Pert. Yes, Your Majesty. The Duke of Graftiana will arrive today, bringing his son for the wedding.
Emp. He will arrive to-day? Splendid. [Confidentially] I trust you did not find it necessary to tell him that we are dead broke.
Pert. Certainly not, Your Majesty. He believes us to be the richest nation in Europe.
Emp. He does, does he? Oh, if he only knew! [Chuckles. Tries to make Pertinax join in. Pertinax very solemn] And how is the Duke’s financial condition?
Pert. Magnificent, Your Majesty. My eyes were dazzled by the finest jewels. The rarest dishes regaled me. Several orchestras were constantly on the qui vive—
Emp. The what?
Pert. The qui vive.—In the park a fountain poured wine like water. Everywhere the eye rested were evidences of wealth beyond the dreams of avarice.
Emp. In–deed! Well, we must do the same.
Pert. But, Your Majesty, our treasury is empty.
Emp. All the more reason for keeping up appearances. Let their eyes be dazzled by jewels. Engage several orchestras to play off the key, or whatever you said. And, Pertinax, don’t forget the fountain. It must spout wine-water. Wherever the eye rests, let it meet evidences of wealth beyond the dreams of avarice. We haven’t got the wealth, but we may be able to scrape up the evidences. [Several courtiers come down] Rejoice with us, my friends. The matrimonial alliance with Graftiana has been arranged. [All cheer] And now, summon the Princess.
[Flourish of trumpets.]
Herald Her Royal Highness, the Princess Yolande!
[Pause. All expectant. No one enters.]
Emp. Play her music again.
[The same flourish of trumpets.]
Herald Her Royal Highness, the Princess Yolande!
[All bow deferentially, except the Emperor. No one enters. All surprised.]
Emp. That girl’s disregard for etiquette is most painful. Play it again.
[The same flourish. The same business.
[Enter Leandre, running.]
Leand. Your Majesty—the Princess is missing!
Emp. Missing?
Leand. She has escaped from the palace, leaving this letter.
Emp. [agitated] Read it, Pertinax. My credit is so bad I can’t trust myself.
Pert. [reads] “Rather than give my hand without my heart, I fly I know not whither.”
[The Emperor, with an exclamation, collapses into Pertinax’s arms.]
Emp. [recovering] Gone! It means ruin—war—pestilence and famine.
Pert. Cheer up, Your Majesty; let us hope for the worst.
Emp. You pessimistic imbecile. Don’t stand there hoping for the worst. Suggest something. Suggest something, you fatuous ninnyhammer!
Pert. [haughtily] Sire, my business is to find fault, not to suggest improvements. Nevertheless, you might find a substitute.
Emp. My idea exactly. I have to think of everything. But where are we going to find a substitute?
Pert. I am a Censor, not an intelligence office.
[Exit Pertinax.]
Emp. Great crowns and sceptres, was ever a monarch reeking with artistic talent surrounded by such a crowd of helpless non-entities?
[Laughter off. Enter, to music, the Pages surrounding and chasing Griselda the goose-girl. She is dressed as a peasant girl, but over her shoulders she wears a rich cloak of purple velvet trimmed with ermine—long enough to drag a little on the ground—on which are emblazoned the royal arms. On her head she wears the crown of a princess. Under her left arm she carries a goose, and in her right hand is a jewelled sceptre. Griselda poses indignantly, C., and strikes with her sceptre at the teasing Pages. Picture.]
Gris. Stop it! Men Come now, my rustic miss, And give us each a kiss. Gris. Drop it! Men A kiss can do no harm, So don’t display alarm. Gris. Stop it! Men One kiss, my rural maid! Of us why be afraid?
Who are you? Tell us, do. Why this dress? Come, confess.
Stop it! Drop it!
Song—Griselda
Griselda the goose-girl in me you behold. Though I say it, I’m a good girl with a heart that’s pure gold. Out there by the brookside my goosies I mind. Though I say it, they are good geese as ever you’ll find. I know I’m not handsome—now that’s understood; But I do maintain that few girls are as good. Don’t censure my rudeness, But think of my goodness. A simple and pastoral creature, Quite plain of feature, You’ll all agree.
With a fol-de-rol-rol and a tol-di-rol-lay, So the rustical maiden goes singing all day. I can sing by the hillside And dance by the rill-side And life for the peasant is pleasant.
All With a fol-de-rol-rol and a tol-di-rol-lay, So the rustical maiden goes singing all day.
Gris. Oh, I would not change places With kings, queens or aces! All Sing tira-la, sing fol-di-rol-di-lay.
Gris. Griselda the goose-girl is not such a fool. Though I say I’m a smart girl, I’ve not been to school. When saucy young bumpkins come beg for a smile I deny them, I defy them, for they are not my style. I know I’m no beauty, but I have some pride, And I’ve kept my mother’s advice for a guide. “Keep men at a distance “And scream for assistance “If they try to kiss you. “Dodge and they’ll miss you,” Ma said to me.
With a fol-de-rol-rol, etc.
All With a fol-de-rol-rol, etc.
[During the song, the court gets more and more interested, and gradually begin to dance: automatically at first, then wildly, Griselda making even the Emperor dance and upsetting his dignity.
[The Pages surround Griselda, laughing and trying to kiss her.]
Gris. [to Emperor] Here, you old gentleman. You look good-natured. Make those fellows stop trying to kiss me. [Breathless with indignation]
Emp. Old gentleman!— Good-natured!— I never was so insulted in my life.
Pert. Who are you, girl?
Gris. Griselda the goose-girl, sir, and a good honest girl, too, if I do say it.
Emp. Yes, yes, no doubt. But see here, Griselda the goose-girl and a good honest girl too if you do say it—what are you doing with the crown, cloak, and sceptre of the Princess?
Gris. [stupidly] Princess?— Oh, was that lovely lady a princess? Well, you see, this was it. This morning, as I upon the hills was binding up the leg of Apollo—this my gander—looks I up and sees I a mighty fair lady. I gives her a glass of goats’-milk, when quoth she: “Give me your clothes, and I will give thee mine.” Jumps I for very joy— [Jumps; all imitate her, abstractedly] and “yes,” I says. So she takes my Sunday gown and cap, and gives me her mighty fine raiment. These be part of ’em. And now, let me go off to my geese. [Starts off]
Emp. Stop. What became of the lady?
Gris. [shakes her head stupidly] Why, she takes to her heels and runs like any gazelle. And now, my geese will miss me. [Starts off]
Pert. Stop! [To Emperor] Sire, you are seeking a substitute for the Princess for the coming marriage. Here she is.
Emp. Here she is—Just what I was going to say. Now, my dear, [to Griselda] don’t go. We’ve some news for you. You are going to be married—
Gris. Married? [Laughs] But I am married. I have my Siegmund Lump.
Emp. [to Pertinax] What is a Siegmund Lump?
Gris. Oh, know you not my Siegmund? He is a keeper of sheep and goats.
Emp. Well, you must forget the goat-gentleman. You’re to marry a prince.
Gris. Forget my Siegmund? Never!
Pert. Allow me. My good girl, all you have to do is to go through the wedding ceremony. We will present you with a hundred gold pieces.
Emp. Then you can disappear and go back to the goat-person.
Pert. If you refuse, you will be required to explain further how you came by the Princess’ clothes; and you may land in jail.
Gris. Jail?—A hundred gold pieces and I can run away after the wedding?—I consent.
All Good.
Gris. Oh—but Siegmund—
Emp. Now, never mind Siegmund. What he doesn’t see won’t hurt his eyes.
Gris. Yes—yes. Besides, gold pieces are so scarce and husbands are such a plenty.
Herald [up stage] Your Majesty, we see the waving banners and gleaming armor of the Duke of Graftiana.
[General sensation.]
Emp. Just in time. Pertinax, give the young woman in charge of the maids of honor. Of course it’s perfectly in order to have the marriage by proxy.
[Enter the Duke of Graftiana and his Chorus of Knights, from R. U. E. over terrace.]
Song—Duke
I’m the potentate Of a warlike realm. Of the ship of state I’m the sails and helm. I am bold of mien; I am strong of limb; And I am, I ween, Very gruff and grim.
Knights Quite so, my lord, quite so.
[Coming down aside]
[They resume their places, with a great appearance of respect for the Duke.]
Duke My eyes can pierce As a gimlet bores. I have whiskers fierce And I dote on wars. I am square of jowl And all men must bow When I wear a scowl On this beetle brow.
Knights Quite so, O Duke, quite so.
[Coming down aside]
[The Emperor rushes on L. to greet the Duke with assumed frantic joy.]
Recitative
Both Welcome, welcome, (kingly/ducal) brother! Emp. Ducal cousin, give you greeting; Bid avaunt to sorrow. Duke [aside] Had I better brace him now Or wait until tomorrow? Emp. [enthusiastic] Welcome! Duke [enthusiastic] Thanks, sire. Emp. [enthusiastic] Welcome! Duke [enthusiastic] Thanks, sire.
Song—Emperor and Duke
Both [aloud] I admire your smile so sunny And your manner breezy— Both [aside] He resembles ready money, And methinks he’s easy. Emp. I am ever so delighted; I am really quite excited At beholding you, noble friend. Duke I am radiant with joy At meeting you, my boy— In a flutter of delight To see your face so bright. Emp. Here’s to you— Duke Here’s to you! Emp. Let us drink— Duke Let us drink! Emp. To friendship’s sacred touch! Both Here’s to you, here’s to me; Let us drink, let us drink To friendship’s sacred touch! Duke May ev’ry joy in life be thine. Emp. What’s mine is yours; what’s yours is mine. Duke I wish you ev’ry kind of health. Emp. And I wish you abundant wealth. Duke Whate’er I have I’ll share with you. Emp. For you there’s naught I would not do. Duke ’Tis in the gentle cause of friendship!
Chorus What a loving pair; Such friends are truly rare— Such friends are truly rare!
Emp. & Duke We’ll brothers be— We’ll brothers be; That we agree. Chorus Brothers they will be.
All Kindred souls are we, I plainly see, And nothing in this sordid world shall part us. My second half I recognize In you, dear friend, so true. Affinities, we’ll dwell forever more In amicable sympathy fraternal, And each respond In fashion fond To friendship’s sacred touch— To friendship’s sacred touch!
Emp. [gushing] Ah, what joy to welcome our ducal brother.
Duke [very genial] What happiness to gaze again upon the classic features of our imperial cousin!
Emp. My best friend!
Duke My dear fellow!
[They embrace.]
Duke And the little girl? The Princess? Our future daughter-in-law? I do hope she resembles her father. [Aside] I can’t allow a face like that in my family.
Emp. And your son, the Prince—I hope he’s as handsome as his papa.
Duke [embarrassed] No, he takes after his mother.
Emp. [aside] Well, that may help a little. [Aloud] I don’t see him.
Duke [quickly] Oh, he’ll be here. He’ll be here. But where is the Princess? I would like to see her.
Emp. [forgetting himself] Yes, so would I.— Er—she’s dressing. I—I think I’ll run and hurry her up. You know what these waists are that fasten in the back— er— [Much confused] I’ll go and help her— [Embraces Duke] Brother!
Duke Brother!
Emp. [going] Remember—you are at home. [Aside] Oh, how I wish he was.
[Exit Emperor L.
[A cask on a stand is brought on R. Golden goblets are filled and the Knights drink during the scene.]
Duke He seems easy. I mean, he seems an easy-going old person. And now where is our Prince Florian?
[Dagonet, a short fat knight, a miniature of the Duke, rushes in R., out of breath.]
Dag. Oh, Your Grace, here’s a calamity indeed.
Duke Well, well, out with it. Speak.
Dag. [panting] Yes—yes. As soon as I get my breath.
Duke Will you speak? [Seizes Dagonet by the throat]
Dag. [volubly] Speak!— How can you expect a person to discourse clearly and elucidate satisfactorily when you are restraining his organ of articulation?
Duke [releasing him] Well, if you can say that much, perhaps you will tell us what has happened.
Dag. The Prince is lost.
All Lost!
Duke Lost! [Savagely, to Dagonet] And you lost him! [Again starts to choke Dagonet]
Dag. [getting away] Don’t be excitable, Your Grace. I am having a search made, and he may be found.
Duke Not so. The rascal threatened to run away to avoid his marriage. Claimed he could not love a girl he had never seen. Love! Bah! This marriage must take place.
Dag. Yes, yes, I know—so you can borrow from the Emperor.
Duke Silence. They must not know that we are bankrupt. Go, scatter, all of you. Find the Prince—or off go your heads.
[As the Knights start to go off R. and L., a commotion is heard at R. U. E.]
Dag. Ha—it must be the Prince.
Duke [relieved] Ah! Thank heaven.
[Enter two knights, R. U. E., dragging as their prisoner Siegmund Lump. He is a comic Arcadian Shepherd. He carries an ermine cloak (not long) and a jeweled crown.]
Duke [not recognizing Siegmund, but supposing he is talking to the Prince] Ah, you have come back, have you? A pretty son you are. A nice way to repay the kindness of your doting father.
Sieg. You are mistaken. You must be some other fellow’s dopey father. I am a widow—er—an orphan.
Duke [looking up and seeing his mistake] What! Who is this bumpkin?
Sieg. [indignant] Pumpkin? Please to understand I—
Dag. See? He has the crown and cloak of our Prince.
All [rushing at Siegmund] Villain! Robber! Assassin!
[Business. Siegmund seizes the Duke and uses him as a shield. But he is overpowered.]
Duke Away with him. Let him starve to death in a dungeon.
Sieg. [breaking away from guards] Wait a minute. I presumption you’re the King. [Jollying] I’m teased to meet you.
Duke [blustering] Sirrah! How dare you look me in the face!
Sieg. Well, I’m a brave man. Besides, I have some business with you. Here is a first-class crown and cloak. [Takes off the Duke’s hat. Duke furious] That is what you want. [Puts his crown on the Duke. It is too small] Ah, Kingy, you were out again last night.
Duke [enraged] What ho! Bring the instruments of torture.
Sieg. No, no, bring a shoe-horn. [Puts his cloak on the Duke] You can have the whole business for twenty francs.
Duke [storming] You rapscallion, those articles belong to my son. You have stolen them.
Sieg. [indignant] What! Now I am insulted. He accuses me of petty arsenic. [Cries; takes Duke’s handkerchief. Duke angry]
Duke How dare you take my handkerchief? To the nearest tree with him. Bring a rope.
Sieg. [alarmed] What! Oh, I guess not. You can’t string me. This is where I skip the rope. [Starts off. Several knights seize him.]
Duke [shouting in his face] Marauder! Miscreant!
Sieg. [pushing him away] You’re standing too close to the phone.
Duke Are you not a robber?
Sieg. No, no, there are no robbers now. They’re all financiers. You know what I am? I am janitor to a flock of willy-goats.
Duke Then how did you come by the Prince’s crown and cloak?
Sieg. Well, this morning while I was trimming the goatee on my principal goat, a young fellow came ’long and wanted to change clothes with me. [Laughs] He was the worst businessman I ever saw. [Leans on Duke familiarly] Say, Duke, you never saw my real clothes.
Duke No, but I warrant they showed signs of over-wear.
Sieg. Well, he got his wish and I got these. For a minute my goats didn’t know me. They looked at me as much as to say—
Duke Bah!
Sieg. [mildly] Not sheep. Goats. You’re in the wrong pasture.
Duke Oh, then you are only a poor miserable goat-keeper.
Sieg. Well—no. Since you are so nosy about it: I wasn’t always in the goat business. Maybe you’ve heard of Siegmund Lump.
All Siegmund Lump!
Duke That terrible brigand chief whose name makes men quake all over the earth?
Sieg. [tickled] I am that earthquake.
Dag. But where is your famous band of brigands?
Sieg. [sadly] Don’t make me cry. There was the finest lot of murderous ruffians. One word from me and they would commit any crime—from burning an orphan asylum to running a life insurance company. And I was their captain! Oh, how happy I was, till someone caught me napping and trimmed me.
All What?
Sieg. Look! [Shows his bald head]
All Cut your hair?
Sieg. [replacing his hat] It’s a bluff, you see—a bluff. You’ve all heard of Samson, haven’t you? [All agree] Well, Samson was my aunt’s sister. We owned the family tree—which I fell out of. Samson’s great-grandmother was my uncle’s aunt by mistake. Yes, sir, and he was all right, until he fell in love with a girl. I think she was a relation to some President. Her name was Delighted.
Duke You mean Delilah.
Sieg. Sure. She was a mean Delilah, all right. While Samson was sleeping off a jag, this no-lady took her manicure scissors, amputationed his Marcelle waves, and snatched him bald-headed. The same thing happened to me. I lost my nerve—my strength. My men threw me out.
Duke And drove you to the trade of goat-keeper.
Sieg. [annoyed] That’s right. Rub it in. I don’t care.
Duke But surely you can regain your band of brigands.
Sieg. [dismally] Not unless my hair grows again. I’ve tried everything.
Song—Siegmund
What makes a man a poet or musician? What makes a man succeed at any game? What makes a man win out in his ambition? I have a theory about the same. For instance, there’s the old-time hero Samson; Such muscles as he had are very rare. But a lady-friend attracted by a ransom Caught him asleep and slyly cut his hair.
It was his hair That got him there. You mostly always tell a great man by his hair. Though philosophers have said All depends upon the head, Not at all—it all depends upon the hair.
Chorus It was his hair, etc.
Sieg. You’ve heard the great piano-playing wonder Whose noise the av’rage thunder-storm can’t drown; All other iv’ry-pounders knuckle under When Mister What’s-his-name-ski comes to town. They talk about his technique so artistic; His genius, we know, is very rare. The ladies think he has a magic mystic; It isn’t that at all—it is his hair.
It is his hair, That halo fair, That makes the girls adore and love him ev’rywhere. Oh, his technique and his touch Are not really such a much; It’s that wonderful chrysanthemum of hair.
Chorus It is his hair, etc.
Sieg. Then there’s the wild and woolly Western Ranger; A striking personality is his; And he can catch the eye of ev’ry stranger Who never fails to question who he is. Of many strange adventures he’s the hero, But for all that the public doesn’t care. His popularity would drop to zero If it were not for his wild umbrageous hair.
It was his hair That got him there. Most people recognize him anywhere. He can shoot all right, of course; He’s a dandy on a horse; But the genuine attraction is his hair.
Chorus It was his hair, etc.
Sieg. A sweet young girl once journeyed to the city; Her color and her type were quite brunette; She had no luck, and soon—oh, what a pity— Her cash was nearly gone and she in debt. Her sole remaining dollar she expended For a chemical that turned her hair to gold, And in a week she made a marriage splendid: A millionaire conveniently old.
It was her hair So fine and fair, Though some of it at night hung on a chair; Still, her husband old and rich Can’t distinguish which is switch— He is happy with his little golden hair.
Chorus It was her hair, etc.
Sieg. A bus’ness-man came home one night so weary; His office hours that day had not been few; His wife caressed him fondly, saying, “Dearie— “I’ll run and get your slippers, love, for you.” But O, that little wife’s love grew colder (I really can’t repeat the things she said) When she espied upon her husband’s shoulder A raven hair—her own, you see, was red.
That was the hair That brought despair. These bus’ness-men should always take good care; And if they’re wise and sage The type-writers they engage Will have the same domestic shade of hair.
Chorus That was the hair, etc.
Sieg. I have told you more about me than I know myself.
Duke Yes, and we laugh at your misery. [Duke and Knights laugh]
Sieg. [hurt] He laughs like a talking owl.
Dag. But there must be some way for you to get back your band.
Sieg. Not a chance on earth, unless my hair grows.
Duke Your hair is nothing to me.
Sieg. My hair is nothing to anyone.
Duke The question is, what has become of my son?
Sieg. Your heir is nothing to me. [Laughs. Tries to make the Duke laugh] Oh, it’s a joke. With a face like that, what’s the use?
Duke My son was to have been married today.
Sieg. He was to have been married? Oh, in that case, if he was a real bright young man—drag the lake. Or fire a few cannon over the river, and maybe he might come up to your expectations. [Goes up R.]
Dag. [suddenly] Ah! Your Grace, I have an idea!
Duke Well, what is your first-born?
Dag. The Emperor has never seen your son. Put forth a substitute. He would do. [Indicating Siegmund]
Duke [slapping Dagonet on the back] Great! [To Siegmund] See here, bumpkin. You are going to be married!
Sieg. Married! ha! ha! [Jollies the Duke familiarly. Duke angry.]
All [shouting at him] Married!
Sieg. Married? I guess not! I am already the silent partner in a domestic sketch. But of course you don’t know my Griselda.
All [surprised] Griselda?
Duke That’s all right. You can give up your Griselda. It’s often done in the highest circles.
Sieg. Yes, but it wouldn’t do for me. I don’t go in swollen society. No, I couldn’t shake Griselda. She’s only a goose-girl; but she’s not so homely, as geese-girls go. And she has been very kind to me. She always lets me do just as she pleases.
Duke But I say you are going to marry a princess.
Sieg. [aside] Marry a princess! That’s the job I’ve been looking for all my life. [Chuckles to himself, much pleased] But I must be tickled to death without showing it.
Duke After the ceremony we’ll give you a hundred gold pieces. Then you can run away.
Sieg. If I ever got a hundred gold pieces, you wouldn’t see me for dust.
Duke [fiercely] If you refuse, we will hang you for robbing our son the Prince.
Sieg. Am I to understand correctly—I must either marry a princess, or be hanged?
All [sternly] That’s the idea.
Sieg. It’s hard to choose. Excuse me. [Tosses a coin] I lose. Bring on your princess.
Knights Good! Your health! [All drink]
Sieg. But if Griselda hears of this, I reserve the right to be hanged.
Duke Dagonet, show this churl to my tent. Let him be dressed as the Prince. But when I think of how we are going to fool the poor old Emperor— [Roars with laughter]
Dag. [also laughing] It was my idea too!
Duke Your idea, you pin-head? I am the only one who has ideas around here.
[Exit Duke and Dagonet, arguing.]
Sieg. Marry a princess—and get paid for doing it! [Laughs to Knights] Tell me, boys, is she in the “peach” class?
Knights [kissing their fingertips] Ah! a beauty!
First Knight At least, we hear so. We haven’t seen her.
Sieg. A beauty! Poor Griselda! Oh, if she ever—my heavens! If Griselda ever knew I was marrying another girl—oh, but I hate to think of it. It’s a good thing I’ve got no hair left, that’s all.
First Knight Come, fellow.
Sieg. ”Fellow“! Please to comprehension the factory that you are domestic and I am importationed—I am a princess’s fiasco. But wait till you see me with my bridle on, and a wreath of orange phosphates.
[Exeunt omnes.
[Enter R. U. E. top terrace Prince Florian, dressed as a shepherd. He looks around cautiously.]
Flor. This must be the palace garden. I wonder if my ducal papa has been told of my disappearance. Oh, what a rage he’ll be in! But I must see the Princess. I wonder what she is like. I must get a glimpse of her. I shall never be satisfied until I know what I have escaped.
Song—Florian
Women all are perfect pearls (Or I have been taught so). I have known a lot of girls (Or at least I’ve thought so). Some have studied to be wise; Some just live to lure the eyes. At emotions of the heart Some are always mocking. Quite immune to Cupid’s dart Is Mam’selle Blue-stocking. Some girls watch the stars at night And will tell their names aright; Speak of love and they’ll take flight— They are not for me.
Oh, Little Boy Blue, come blow your horn; Your brain will be tired and your cheek will be worn; But the girl who is pretty and modest and true Is the sweetheart for me, and I think for you.
[Princess Yolande is heard singing off L. U. E. She enters, also dressed as a peasant. She carries a half-made basket.]
Yol. What a joke on all of them! The wedding all prepared—everything ready but the bride. Papa will be furious. [Seeing Florian] Oh, a stranger!
Flor. [aside] Nice-looking little country girl. [Aloud] Are you looking for someone?
Yol. No!— That is—yes.
Flor. You see, I heard there was to be a grand wedding here to-day, and I wished to see what a grand wedding’s like. I wished to see the Princess!
Yol. And I longed to see the Prince.
Flor. Oh, they say he isn’t much to look at.
Yol. I dare say not. Why, I hear he’s no taller than I am.
Flor. [offended] Oh, but probably he’s tall enough for the Princess.—I hear her face is very foolish.
Yol. [forgetting herself] Indeed it isn’t! That is—is it?
Flor. But why should a pretty girl like you take an interest in a silly princess? [Yolande offended] Why not have a love affair of your own, with someone in your own station of life? For instance—I’m not working.
Yol. [bashfully] I don’t know. You see I’m so fearfully coy.
Flor. Really? Why, that’s my difficulty. I should like to tell you that you’re the prettiest girl I ever met; but my confounded bashfulness checks me.
Yol. And I should like to lead you on a little, but unfortunately there isn’t a spark of coquetry in my nature.
Flor. If I could only say “I adore you,” like other men! [Impetuously]
Yol. Oh, you say it much like the others.
Flor. Oh, no, I don’t. I stammer over it like a duffer.
Yol. Try it again.
Flor. [impulsively] I adore you! [Puts his arm around her]
Yol. That’s better. But you know me so slightly.
Flor. That is why I love you.
Yol. I would think twice before I said “yes” to you.
Flor. Second thoughts are best. So you have made up your mind to stay here and see the Prince?
Yol. I have my reasons for wishing to see this particular prince.
Flor. Oh, I don’t know that he’s so particular. I’ve known him to flirt with a peasant girl.
[Trumpets and cheering offstage.]
Yol. At any rate, I shall see him, for the court is assembling. I’ll go over there, and—let me see—I’ll be weaving a basket.
Flor. And—let me think—I’ll stay here and be mending my shepherd’s pipe.
[Yolande goes L. corner and works at basket-weaving. Florian goes R. corner and mends his pipe.]
Yol. [aside] And there’ll be no Princess to see.
Flor. [aside] I’m the only prince she’ll see today.
[Enter Pages and Maids of Honor, followed by the Emperor. They go L., where a chair of state is placed. The Emperor much agitated. Florian and Yolande watch the proceedings expectantly.]
Entrance of the Emperor and his Court
Chorus With pride and joy, With loyalty quite without alloy, We come to grace the wedding of the Prince and Princess. With delight We wish them a future ever bright. Two mighty kingdoms thus do we unite.
[Emperor and his Court group L., Emperor on throne.
[Enter R. Duke, Dagonet, and Knights.]
Chorus—Knights
He’s the potentate Of a warlike realm. Of the ship of state He’s the sails and helm. He is bold of mien; He is strong of limb; And he is, we ween, Very gruff and grim.
All So nothing loth, All hail to both! A noble pair are they.
Kindred souls are (we/they), etc.
Hail, O Duke! Emp’ror, hail! All hail!
[As the chorus sing “Hail,” etc., they turn in unison R. and L., the Emperor and Duke being kept busy bowing, faster and faster. Picture and climax.]
Duke [heartily] Ah! Brother! You have no idea how we have missed you.
Emp. When you are away, it seems as if I had lost something. [They embrace] Now, let Her Royal Highness be summoned!
[The usual flourish of trumpets. Enter Pertinax, leading Griselda dressed as the Princess, very awkward in her train dress, long cloak, and crown. She hangs back but is led forward by Pertinax. General sensation.]
All [bowing] Your Royal Highness.
Yol. [aside, astonished] It’s the goose-girl I met this morning!
Gris. [aside to Pertinax] Is that old daddy-longlegs the Prince? If he is, my price is two hundred gold pieces. [Pertinax hushes her]
Emp. [trembling violently, presents her] Here is my daughter.
Yol. [kisses Griselda’s hand] Ah, and she shall be my daughter too.
Gris. [curtseying] Oh, sir! [Aside] I’ve got a new pair of papas.
[Pertinax leads Griselda to the vicinity of the throne chair, L.]
Emp. Now we are all complete, except the Prince.
Gris. The Prince!
[Unobserved by anyone except Pertinax, she sneaks off L. Pertinax follows her.]
Emp. Where is the dear boy?
Duke Oh, that’s so. Do you know, we quite forgot. [Aside, nervously] Where is that idiot Dagonet? [Aloud, with forced boldness] Let His Royal Highness be summoned!
[A flourish of trumpets.
[The flourish repeated. Enter Dagonet, R., escorting Siegmund. As soon as Siegmund appears, he is frightened and runs off, but is brought back. He is dressed in royal garments which do not fit him. He wears a misfit crown, and awkwardly manages his sceptre and bauble. Picture. Business with Dagonet.]
Yol. [aside] Well, perhaps I wasn’t wise to run away.
Flor. [aside] The goat-herd I met this morning!
Sieg. I don’t like this king business. I remind myself of the saying, “Uneasy lies the tooth that wears a crown.”
Duke My son, you are late.
Sieg. Well, I’ll go back and come earlier.
Duke [aside] If you betray yourself, you hang. Act noble—royal! [Presenting him] Beloved brother, this is Prince Florian, our son.
Sieg. [trying to be pleasant] Excuse me, I didn’t catch the name.
Duke [aside] Booby!
Sieg. [to Emperor] Ah! How do you do, Booby?
Duke No, no, numbskull!
Sieg. [shaking Emperor’s hand] Excuse me. Dumbskull.
Duke The Emperor of Braggadocia! Your future father-in-law!
Sieg. What? My father-in-law? Oh! How are you, papa! [Embraces Emperor. Drops sceptre on Emperor’s foot. Business.] Excuse me. I’m always so nervous when I’m going to get married.
Emp. [aside to Duke] Say, where is the Princess?
Duke [aside] She is there!
Sieg. [bashfully] There! Oh, I hate to break it to myself.
Duke My son, embrace the Princess.
Sieg. [aside, delighted] Embrace a princess! Now that’s a thing I always wanted to do. I have embraced goose-girls till I got goose-fleshy, but princesses have always side-stepped.
Emp. [to Griselda] Daughter, embrace your future husband, the Prince.
Gris. [awkward, shy, giggling] I wonder if it’s any different. [Rubs her lips with her hands, preparing]
[Pertinax leads Griselda to L. C.; Dagonet leads Siegmund to R. C. They are both so bashful that they do not look at each other. Business worked up.]
Sieg. [aside, embarrassed but pleased] It’s going to be good—I know it.
Emp. Let the bugles sound!
[Bugles. Griselda and Siegmund are about to kiss when they recognize each other.]
Gris. [aside, recoiling] Siegmund!
Sieg. [aside, recoiling] Well, I hope to choke if it isn’t Grissy! Just my luck! The first time I go out to dinner I get just what I have at home.
Emp. Come, come, daughter. This handsome young prince is to be your husband.
Gris. [aside] So, I’ve caught him trying to marry another woman!
Sieg. By Jiminy! She is falsification!
Duke My son, embrace your bonny bride!
Sieg. & Gris. [together] All right! We’re going to!
[Siegmund and Griselda approach hesitatingly. They threaten each other with looks, but then, making up their minds to keep up appearances, they kiss quickly; then cross: he to L., she to R.]
Sieg. [aside] Different label, but same medicine!
[Griselda consults aside with the Duke at R., while Siegmund at L. calls the Emperor.]
Sieg. [aside to Emperor] Haven’t you deceptioned yourself? You are sure she is your daughter?
Emp. Sure, she’s my daughter.— [Angry] What, sirrah? You dare to insinuate—
Sieg. [jollying] No, no! I didn’t mean any scandal in your family. But I’d like to bet you my best pair of kids that I’ve seen that girl when she was lady’s-maid to a bunch of geese.
Emp. [aside] He suspects! [Jollying] Aha, clever boy! You are quite right. Romantic girl, the Princess; wandered about in disguise. See? Ha, ha, ha!
[Emperor and Siegmund laugh together.]
Sieg. [suddenly serious] You mean to say she was a princess pretending to be a geeser?
Emp. Sh! Keep her secret.
Sieg. Me married to a princess, and I never knew the difference. [Embraces Emperor joyfully]
[Emperor and Siegmund talk aside L. while Griselda and the Duke down R. C.]
Gris. Now, you don’t mean to tell me that is a prince?
Duke [alarmed] Why—ahem! Of course, Princess. He is our son.
Gris. [laughing heartily] Your son! Oh, I say, Duke, you have been sold. He’s no son; he keeps goats.
Duke [aside] Curses! she suspects! [To Griselda] Why—ha, ha, ha! [Griselda laughing with him, finishes laugh with a bark] That was his whim! He wished to be loved for himself.
Gris. [astonished] What?— he is really your son?
Duke [blustering] Gramercy, madam! Your doubt is an insult!
Gris. [aside] Oh! My Siegmund is really a prince!
Duke [to Emperor] But come, dear brother; let us leave our young people to bill and coo.
Sieg. Don’t on my account. It’s nothing new to me.
Emp. Let the finest dishes, the rarest wines be served. [To Siegmund] No—you stay here!
[Exit Chorus. As they go, the girls curtsey to Siegmund, who tries to imitate them. The men salute Griselda, who bobs awkwardly curtseying. All off but Siegmund, Griselda, Duke, and Emperor.
[Siegmund and Griselda start to follow. Siegmund stopped by the Duke; Griselda stopped by the Emperor.]
Emp. You must bill and coo.
[Exit Duke and Emperor.]
Sieg. The idea of a man billing and cooing with his own wife!— There she is. I don’t know whether to say “Hail, O Princess!” or ask her to sew this button on. [To Griselda, impulsively] Your harness!
Gris. [affected] What dost wish, Prince?
Sieg. [suddenly changing manner] Oh, say, quit your foolishness.
Gris. [angry] Oh, you wretch! You intriguing villain! You impostor!
Sieg. [dignified] Excuse me, person. It strikes me you do not realization you are stooding in the presence of a prince! [Poses haughtily]
Gris. [confused] That’s so. I forgot. [Curtseys] Prince! [Then, breaking out] Yes, but you are my husband. I can talk to you any way I like.
Sieg. [dignified] Please, please; not to a prince. [Poses]
[Griselda looks at Siegmund and laughs. He is offended.]
Gris. You, a prince? Look at the way you walk! [Walks like a countryman]
Sieg. [remonstrating] That was my goat walk. I now take steps to become a prince. [Struts] Is it?
Gris. Not a bit like it! This is what you want. [Struts] Ho, slave, bring me my purple hat with the yellow feathers. [He guys her] No, cook, no pie today. Bring in the pudding.
Sieg. [laughing at her] Excuse me if I chuck a few chuckles! That’s not a princess, that’s a head-waiter.
Gris. [laughs] Certainly I’m a princess. I guess I had a right to pretend. But why did you disguise yourself?
Sieg. I was afraid somebody would marry me for my rankness.
Gris. My noble, my handsome, my own!
Herald [appearing suddenly at back] Ahem!
Sieg. [as they separate, annoyed] Have you no sense of indecency?
Herald Your Royal Highness!
Gris. He means you.
Sieg. No, you! You’re the harness! [Business] Oh!—does he? [Haughtily] Well, minion, what wouldst?
Herald The Archbishop waits in the chapel to perform the marriage ceremony.
Sieg. Go and tell Archie Bishop he is paid to wait.
[Exit Herald.]
Gris. So, we’re to be made one all over again.
Sieg. I wonder which one.
[Enter Florian and Yolande upstage, unseen.]
Sieg. You know, Grissy, this is not our regular palace—simply our summer villain. Do you like flowers?
Gris. Flowers are my favorite vegetables.
Sieg. Well, let’s take a walk in the garden, and I will pluck you a hydrophobia. [Florian and Yolande giggle.] What is that, a giggle?—Oh, we have company!
Gris. [also seeing them] Oh, no, no company—only servants.
Sieg. Servants! Such common people! How dare you giggle in the presence of the royal family? [Stomping his foot] Don’t you see the Princess is hungry? [To Griselda] What will you have, harness? [She whispers in his ear] Bring the Princess some ice cream and potatoes, and bring me a table de hotty and a bottle of clarinet wine.
Yol. To hear is to obey, oh noble Prince!
Flor. I fly, oh gracious Prince!
[Exeunt Florian and Yolande.]
Sieg. That fellow is a bum flier—I’ll have to oil his wings. Oh, Grissy!
Gris. Siggy!
Sieg. Please excuse me for calling you such unstylish names.
Gris. I might have known you were a prince by that handsome countenance.
Sieg. Well, of course, I hate to throw any buckets at myself, but they tell me I have the formation of an apollinaris belladonna.
[Enter Florian carrying a table, etc., and Yolande with tray.]
Flor. The banquet awaits.
Yol. Your exalted majesties are served.
Quartetto—Siegmund, Griselda, Florian and Yolande
Sieg. Come, my dear, sit down here. You two servants for the Princess bring a chair.
Gris. Thank you, sire. Here, you twain, Bring the Prince some champagne.
[Business.]
Flor. [aside] Wait on them? I declare They are certainly a very funny pair.
Yol. [aside] Ha ha ha! Princess she? What a joke this will be! [Aloud] O Prince, let me have the honor, pray, to pour the wine— You’ll find it fine. And O, it is an honor, Prince, to serve you. [to Gris.] O Princess fair, you’ll find this fruit Is most delicious if you try it. Flor. My lady, will you please try this wine? You’ll find it fine. Allow me, noble Prince, to pass this wedding cake to you.
[Florian drops the dish]
Sieg. Fool! Two such stupid servants never yet I had.
Yol. Just one glass more. This wine’s the very best, you know. [Aside] He, the Prince! What a fortunate escape it was for me! That young man is more what I thought he would be.
Sieg. Come, you slaves, wait on us! Don’t be slow here, you know. [He drinks] Very fair, I declare.
Flor. Pardon, O gracious Prince, I did not mean that. [Aside] What! A princess she? I am glad I am free; No queen of mine she’ll be. Would that it were she— [indicating Yol.]
Sieg. and Gris. Those servants are too slow, you know. O (Princess/Prince), to your health I drink a bumper. O (Princess/Prince), when we wed we’ll happy be. Gris. When first I met you, I loved you madly; You’re the only prince for me. Your queen I’ll gladly be.
Yol. I’m in luck, for I will not have to marry such as he. I’m very glad that I’m not free. I’d be glad if the Prince were such a handsome chap as he— [indicating Flor.]
Flor. Come, one kiss, I pray. For at first sight I fell in love with you. Yol. No, no, no! For you do not know me well enough, you see. You are very much too free. Gris. My Prince, when we’re wed we’ll happy be. When first I met you, I loved you madly; You’re the only prince for me. Your queen I’ll gladly be. Sieg. This looks great to me. Princess, you my queen shall be. Slave, some wine for me— Come—one kiss, I pray, my queen.
Flor. and Yol. I am sorry ’tis not (she/he).
[Enter some Pages to clear table, etc., from the stage.
[Theme of the quartetto played slowly under business: Exit Florian and Yolande, opposite sides, looking at each other with regret. Siegmund sneering at Florian. Griselda off with great dignity. Stage empty.
[A few bars of the Emperor’s entrance march, to which the Emperor and his Court enter and group L. The Emperor on his chair of state. Enter Pertinax.]
Emp. [chuckling] And now it only remains for me to borrow from the Duke enough to enable us to settle our tradesmen’s bills.
[The courtiers appreciate the joke, laughing among themselves.
[Enter Knights, Duke, and Dagonet, R.]
Duke [aside to Dagonet] The wedding ceremony is over. I shall now borrow a few millions from the Emperor and get back to Graftiana. [Move benches] Live forever, oh royal kinsman! I was about to—
Emp. I was just going to—
Duke A trifling accommodation—
Emp. A slight favor—
Emp. and Duke [together] Say, a million ducats? [Aside, to Pertinax and Dagonet respectively] He wants to borrow from me!
Pert. [to Emperor] Shameful!
Dag. [to Duke] Outrageous!
Emp. [to Duke] And do you mean to say that you—a duke—would stoop to such a trick?
Duke [to Emperor] Can it be possible that a respectable Emperor would descend to such knavery?
Emp. Do you mean to say that you have no money?
Duke I do. Are you actually broke?
Emp. I am.
Emp. and Duke [speaking R. and L.] We have been shamefully deceived.
Dag. [to Duke] Your Royal Highness, I have an idea. We shall have to declare war.
Duke [frightened] War!
Pert. [to Emperor] Your Majesty should avenge this insult by immediate declaration of war.
Emp. [frightened] War! [To Duke] Listen, you bankrupt—we throw down the glove!
Duke How dare you not have money? [Throws down his glove] There is ours!
All War! War!
[Siegmund and Griselda are heard off, singing the refrain of their duet. They dance on very gay. They are dressed as bride and groom.]
Sieg. and Gris.
[dancing]
King and Queen, Queen and King;
Nothing to do but dance and sing.
Finale—Act I
Sieg. & Gris. King and Queen, Queen and King; Nothing to do but dance and sing, Or pose in mantle and diadem, For cats and kittens to look at them. All King and Queen, Queen and King; Nothing to do but dance and sing, All worry and care shall quickly take wing When (you are/I am/she is) a Queen and (I/you/he) a King.
Recitative
Sieg. Well, papa! Here we are married. Gris. Yes, papa, and we’re so happy. Emp. & Duke “Papa”! Emp. Separate them! Duke Rend them asunder!
Emp. That princely bankrupt be my son— no, no! Duke [to Sieg.] Yon pauper princess is your foe— your deadly foe! Sieg. & Gris. What’s this? What’s amiss? Explain, explain. Chorus Yes, yes, he will explain. Duke My son, we have declared A war, so be prepared; And you, as only right, Shall lead our armies forth to fight. Sieg. What–I? Chorus Yes, go and die. Sieg. What–I? Chorus Yes, go and die. Sieg. Can you beat that?
Emp. And you, Princess, must lead Our armies, so take heed. Go with our dashing Amazons And put to rout these ducal cons. Gris. What–I? Chorus Yes, make them fly. Gris. What–I? Chorus Yes, make them fly. All And put to rout these royal cons. Sieg. & Gris. Well, then, good-bye. [to each other]
[Siegmund runs off, R., and Griselda, L. Enter Florian and Yolande.]
Recitative [continued]
Flor. Ha, ha, ha, ha! This seems to be A fortunate escape for me.
Yol. Ha, ha, ha, ha! This is sublime; It seems I bolted just in time.
Chorus Renegades, to fly and leave us! Base poltroons, to so deceive us! We’re in terror very grievous; War is near!
Duke Behold the gage; I cast it down In righteous rage With fearful frown.
Emp. Let tocsins ring Their wild alarms. Support your King, Who calls you all to to arms!
Amazons We are awfully excited, We are fearfully delighted, That we’re going to war with you. Knights In a flutter of delight We’re ready for a fight— In a flutter of delight We’re ready for a fight. Amazons We defy— Knights We defy— Amazons We defy— Knights We defy— Both We’ll annihilate you one and all!
Emp. You’re a rogue! Duke You’re a sneak! Emp. You’re a wretch! Duke You’re a thief! Both You’re a villain of the deepest dye!
Amazons We are awfully excited, We are fearfully delighted, That we’re going to war with you. Knights We’ve a leader very brave; Our honor he will save. He will give you one and all a hero’s early grave.
[Siegmund and Griselda are dragged back on, still protesting, now in armor.]
Amazons Here they are! Knights Here they are! Amazons Here they are! Knights Here they are! Both The commander of our army grand. All Take this steel, And make the foeman reel. Sword in hand, To you we give command.
Sieg. [aside] My knees are getting weak— All Hurrah! Sieg. [aside] Some quiet place I’d seek— All Hurrah! Sieg. [aside] But still, as I am in for it, I’ll try to bluff it through.
All Drums are beating Sieg. And calling to the fight—away! Be ready, And steady, And forward, all, in brave array.
All The din of battle Sieg. Is music to the soldier’s ear, Be ready, Very steady, For the fatal hour is near.
Yol. & Florian ’Tis time that patriots should arm to save the nation. The world is watching, waiting for us. And our leaders bold are sure to make a great sensation, They’ll win us glory evermore.
All On to victory, for the enemy may well beware. We certainly shall win a battle glorious, And o’er the craven foe we’ll be victorious. On to victory, for our valor makes them all despair. To the roll of the drum Bold heroes come All ready to do and dare.
With a plan— rat-a-plan— Hear the drum— rat-a-plan— Telling the world the heroes come! Rat-a-plan!
With a plan, etc.
Whatever we may really think we’re not prepared to say— Rat-a-plan! Someone must do or die; I don’t think it is I. Still, we can join the cry.
All On to victory, etc.
To the rattle of drum Bold heroes come All ready to give them battle. Forward! Lead us on to battle, to the fight! Away!
Scene.—The border between the two countries. Extending downstage and dividing it into two parts is a low hedge, three or four feet high, with a turnstile at its center. At R. is the tent of the Duke of Graftiana, of wine-color and gold, on which are his arms and banner. At L. a tent with the arms and standard of Braggadocia. In the hedge are the standards of Braggadocia and Graftiana, planted close together.
[The Emperor is discovered outside his tent, composing a war-song for his troops.]
Emp. [preoccupied; musically] Tra-la-la-la-la-la-la la la— [Whistles] Hmm— La-la-la-la la la la— [Whistles] La la— la la— Pum pum pum pum pum pum pum pum pum— Ah, ah, ah, ah—
Recitative—Emperor
At last it’s finished—my war-song grand To rouse the patriots of the land.
Song—Emperor and Chorus
Emp. Come, ye heroes all! Come, my trusty crew! Hear the bugle calling; fame’s awaiting you. If you go to glory I’ll be rating you As soldiers brave and true.
And the foeman knows when he hears my song It will drive him to despair, though he is strong. He will never stand a chance with you, I swear. We’ll make him tear his hair.
At last, a war-song most stupendous, On the foe ’twill have effect tremendous. Come one, come all— Hear what your King has done. My friends, the battle is as good as won.
Hurrah!
Pooh! pooh!
Emp. This war-song patriotic Will make the foe neurotic.
Sis-boom! Sis-boom! Sis-boom! Sis-boom!
Hurrah! Hurrah! Hurrah! Hurrah! Hip hip hurrah!
Pooh! pooh! Pooh! bah! Bah! pooh! Tut tut! Tut, tut, tut, tut!
Emp. Come, now, begin.
Come, ye heroes all! Come, my trusty crew! Hear the bugle calling; fame’s awaiting you.
Amazons [imitating] Come, ye heroes all! Come, my trusty crew! Hear the bugle calling; fame’s awaiting— Emp. [in disgust] See here, this is no minstrel show. That would not damage any foe. Come, try again!
Amazons [dancing] Come, ye heroes all! Come, my trusty crew! Hear the bugle calling! Fame’s awaiting you! Emp. [wild with anger] For love of Heaven, will you stop! This is a battle, not a hop! Once more, and get it right. This is not a dance, but a fight. Allegro maestoso, Un poco pomposo! [Illustrating] “Come, ye heroes all! Come, my trusty crew!—” Amazons [funereally] —Heroes all, come my trusty, trusty crew— Emp. Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop!
[A long pause]
Emp. Whistle it.
[All whistle the tune.]
Song—Emperor and Amazons
This is a song the foe will terrorize; When they hear it they will fly With a willingness to die. ’Tis a vocal blow To crush the foe! Its melody will lay them low.
This is a song the foe will terrorize; When they hear it they will fly With a willingness to die. ’Tis a vocal blow To lay them low! With a song we’ll destroy the foe.
Duke Let’s strike for liberty, my braves! Knights For liberty! Duke Let’s strike to make things free, my braves! Knights Yes, make things free! Duke Let’s strike for— let me see— Let’s strike for home! Knights Let’s strike for home!
With our song we’ll terrorize; When they hear it they will fly With a willingness to die. ’Tis a vocal blow to crush the foe! Its melody will lay them low.
This song the foe will terrorize; When they hear it they will fly With a willingness to die. ’Tis a vocal blow; we’ll lay them low; With a song we’ll destroy the foe.
By the zeal each heart that fires; By the bier on which our sires Lay in midst of flaming pyres; By the bier— By the bier!
By honor without strain; By the drinks in which we drain Wassail to the noble slain— Buy the drinks And bring them here.
[Both camps remain in animated action. The Amazons whistle the war-song, busying themselves with their artistic pursuits. Duke, Dagonet, and the Knights drinking, card-playing, and dice-throwing. All have goblets handy. All very jovial. At back, several Amazons and Knights chat and flirt over the hedge. Scene of animation during the following dialogue.
[Enter Pertinax.]
Emp. Well, here we are in the midst of a sanguinary war. Are you sure, Pertinax, that yonder hedge marks the boundary between the two countries?
Pert. Positive, Your Majesty.
Emp. Good! Let them invade us if they dare.
Duke [from tent R., raising his goblet] Come, fellow warriors. Confusion to the foe! And may they stay on their own side of the fence.
Knights [drinking] Confusion to them!
[Pertinax observes an Amazon kissing a Knight over the hedge.]
Pert. Your Majesty, I suspect the loyalty of some of our men— I should say, girls.
Emp. [worrying] Yes, yes, I know. They will flirt. I have Amazons because they’re so artistic; but they’re always making goo-goo eyes at the enemy.
[Enter Florian, still dressed as a peasant, escorted as a prisoner by eight Amazons.]
Emp. What’s this? A stranger in the camp? Seize the wretch and read him some of our poetry.
Flor. Mercy, Your Majesty! I am a troubadour. Armies flee before my music. Many a navy has been wrecked on my high “seas.”
Emp. Why, the very man we need. We will hear your music, good youth; and if we like it, we will compose it ourselves.
Flor. Your Majesty wishes to end this war?
Emp. I had thought of getting some syndicate to take the war off my hands.
Flor. I know the very promoter for the purpose: Siegmund Lump, the brigand chief. But no, poor devil, he’s retired. His band drove him out in disgrace when he lost his hair.
All Lost his hair?
Flor. Siegmund’s strength, like Samson’s, lay in his hair. He was a lineal descendant of the giant of old.
Song—Florian
Flor. In primitive days of the giant race Lived a man whose strength was as the lion’s. A strong man was he, who set the pace, With a record that none can efface. His enemies fled when they heard his tread; His presence created a panic. Even his voice caused a thrill of dread, For Samson, he was titanic.
Yet that hero fell, as heroes ever fall Who trust in a vain coquette. For a woman’s smiles He yielded to her wiles— And Samson’s sons are among us yet.
Chorus Yet that hero fell, etc.
Flor. As all are aware, ancient Samson’s strength On his long hair secretly depended; And all was serene till in love he fell With Delilah, a popular belle. She found him asleep and she cut his hair; His muscles began to diminish. Enemies captured him then and there, And that was poor Samson’s finish.
So that hero fell, etc.
Chorus So that hero fell, etc.
[Exit Florian. Enter Dagonet from tent R.]
Dag. Knights of Graftiana! Salute your general!
Knights [drinking] To our general!
[Enter Siegmund. He has his armor on wrong, and a towel tied around his head. The Duke and his followers all welcome him heartily; the Amazons laugh at him and gossip about him.]
Siegmund [groans] Oh, I never thought that war made you feel so bad the next morning. Last night I was the hero of twelve bottles. But to-day, my brain is doing millinery revolutions.
Duke We have been here two months. ’Tis high time we forged ahead.
Sieg. I don’t have to forgery—I got a real one. But, say, was any signs of the enemy yet discovered by our scouts?
Duke Hush; the enemy may overhear you.
Sieg. Where is my microbe-scoper?
[Dagonet gives him a small telescope. He stands on a keg and levels the telescope at the Emperor’s camp.]
Sieg. Aha! I think I see traces of the enemy now.
Diane [indignantly] Isn’t he inquisitive!
Jacq. He’s no gentleman.
Sieg. Neither are you. [Coming down from the keg] Give me the report, quick. [Dagonet gives him a map. All gather around Siegmund] Now I’ll find their exact dislocation. Here is it— [pointing on map] Here is their right flank, resting on a fork in the road. Here is their left flank, on the point of a tack. It is a very discomfortable position. I bet you they can’t hold it long without screaming.
[All approve and congratulate him.]
Duke Good! What do you advise?
Sieg. We must drink confusion to them. [Knights cheer and get their goblets. One is given to Siegmund, who continues, speaking as a general addressing his army] Soldiers and vets, we are about to drink confusion to the enemy. It is dangerous work. Some of us may fall. Who will volunteer?
Knights I!— and I!
Sieg. Brave fellows! Charge. [All about to drink, except the Duke]
Duke Hold! [All displeased] General, I have to report that our ammunition is nearly exhausted.
Knights [dismayed] What? [Amazons, listening, laugh at them]
Duke There is but one keg of grape left.
Sieg. Then take down my orders. [Dictates to Dagonet] We are now near the end of a very important champagne. Reduce every soldier’s animation to one high-ball a day. Nobody must get more than half shot. As for me, I love to be where the bullets are the thickest. [Starts to drink]
Duke [stopping him] There—don’t waste it.
Sieg. I am effecting an alliance with Burgundy.
[Enter Pertinax from tent L.]
Pert. Soldiers! Salute your general!
[Flourish of trumpets as Griselda appears at entrance of tent L. She is handsomely dressed as an Amazon warrior in white and gold. She is led by the Emperor.]
Amazons Hail to our general! [All salute]
Sieg. [aside] It’s my old wife, with up-to-date princess improvements.
Emp. Too long we have endured their insolence. Here is my latest war-song. I composed it when the man who wrote it first wasn’t looking. [Gives Griselda a MS. of music]
Pert. Hurl it at them, and it will scatter them like chaff.
Gris.
Watch me.
[Goes to hedge threateningly; but is all smiles when she sees
Siegmund]
Sieg. [very genial]
Wie gehts?
Gris. [delighted]
Why, it’s hubbikins!
[They rush to each other and embrace over the hedge.]
Duke
What? Treason!
Gris.
What does he say?
Sieg.
He says, what’s the reason?
Emp.
Let us fly to arms!
Duke and Emp. [together]
Renegade!
[Duke and Dagonet
drag Siegmund R.;
Emperor and Pertinax drag
Griselda L. Both protesting.]
Sieg.
Are we to be deprivationed of the funny-moon? Of course it’s a warmed-over funny-moon,
but we’re entitled.
Duke
What kind of a chicken-hearted warrior are you, anyway? Trying to kiss the opposing
general!
Sieg.
Well, I want to make advances in the face of the enemy.
Duke
Bah! You should crush them. Sound the charge. Raise the war-cry.
Sieg.
I am no Salvation Army.
Duke and Knights
Coward.
Sieg. [stung]
Coward?
[Aside]
Oh, if only I had my hair again!
[Feels of his head, despairing]
Duke
At least you can hurl defiance at them.
[Siegmund goes to the hedge, assumes a bold manner.]
Sieg. [aside to Duke and Knights]
Watch me. Maybe they won’t like what I’m going to say. Back me up.
[To Emperor and Amazons]
Listen, you. I am about to deliver our ulto-tomatoes. You are a lot of weaklings.
Emp. and Amazons [rushing at him, enraged]
What?
Sieg. [suddenly waving a flag of truce]
Flag of truce. My foot’s on base.
[Emperor and Amazons laugh
scornfully at Siegmund.]
Gris. [to Emperor] Perhaps if you let me talk it over with him I might get him to surrender.
Emp. Do so. Good idea.
Duke [to Siegmund] I appoint you a posse comitatus to investigate the casus belli.
Sieg. [pretending to understand] I’m much obliged. I’ll do it if it kills me. I don’t know what it is, but I’ll do it. [Addressing the Knights] Soldiers! I hereby proclamation a suspenders of hospitalities.
Duke Do so, but no surrender while a drop of spirit remains in our camp.
All [defiantly] No surrender!
[Exit all but Siegmund and Griselda. They run joyfully to meet each other at the hedge near the turnstile.]
Sieg. [embracing] My baby-face!
Gris. My pet lamb! [Suddenly dignified] Oh—I forgot. [Severely] Sir, how darest thou be so new with a Princess! [Poses haughtily. Siegmund laughs at this]
Sieg. [entering through the turnstile] Grissy, will you please descent where you belong? Don’t forget that we are married.
Gris. Certainly, you old darling. We were married before we were Prince and Princess. [Nestling to him]
Sieg. [putting his arm around her] And after we had a new set of rivals put on. That ought to hold us for a while. [With arms around each other, they sway like bashful lovers]
Sieg. Cozy, isn’t it?
Gris. Very sweet. Only I don’t care for the tin smoking-jacket.
Sieg. It must be like cuddling next to a gas range. [Swaying back and forward] If I only had a can opener! —Sh! Do you hear the silence? It is the still that my army has.
Gris. In war, it’s always safe before an engagement.
Sieg. Don’t talk about engagements; we’ve been married twice.
Gris. Quite a romance, isn’t it? —Are you romantic?
Sieg. Rheumatic? No, I’m in perfect health.
Gris. Ah, I could live on romance—on poetry.
Sieg. Is it possible? Well, you couldn’t when I used to pay the bills.
Duet—Siegmund and Griselda
Gris. We’ve read of the lovers of history— Juliet and Romeo, don’t you know. They met with a fate full of mystery In Verona, long years ago. Sieg. Cold steel and cold poison, too, Gave them a finish very blue. The world has wept its briniest tears For years on those two biers. Gris. This story only goes to prove The foolishness of love.
Both It is one of those old tragedies of history That stirs our weeping woe. With heart unruly yet He loved his Juliet And Julie truly loved her Romie-omie-oh.
Sieg. But still it might have been a good deal worse, you know; We must remember that. For if Romeo had married Juliet They might have kept house in a flat.
Sieg. You have heard of fair Cleopatra; She of Egypt was a queen so serene. She took quite a fancy to Antony, But such bad luck seldom is seen. Gris. Gossips talked; they didn’t care. They were an independent pair. To pay her bills he thought it a lark— He was an easy Mark. Sieg. When you’re in Rome be sure that you The foolish Romans do.
Both It is one of those old tragedies of history That leaves our heart a wreck. Poor Cleo bought a snake, A little garter snake, And sadly, badly, madly, got it in the neck.
Sieg. But still it might have been a good deal worse, you know; Of that make no mistake. If Mark had come in with a little jag And got a look at that old snake.
Gris. You’ve heard of sweet Desdemona And Othello, greeny-eyed jealous kind. If you this sad case will investigate You’ll find the girl was color-blind. Sieg. Though he was a Moor so grim, To marry him it was her whim. As she was not afraid of the dark, She had no fear of him. Gris. No argument, however bright, Can prove that black is white.
Both It is one of those old tragedies of history That cause us grief and awe. Othello loved her (So he tells the audience) And yet he smothered Desmonie-onie-ah.
Sieg. But still it might have been a good deal worse, you know; Her nerves were far from strong. Othello might have kept a gramophone And played her coon songs all day long.
[Character dance; encore verses. They dance off into the tent L.]
[The Duke, Dagonet, and all the Knights rush on R. U. E., dragging Princess Yolande, now dressed as a peasant boy. She has strapped to her a wicker cage, in which are several carrier pigeons.]
Chorus
Knights Hither bring the bold intruder! Surely he’s a spy.
Yol. I am no spy.
Knights No invasion could be ruder; Vainly he’ll deny!
Yol. I’m no spy.
Dag. At last, a prisoner we’ve caught; Oh rapture, joy! He may be dangerous, Though he is but a boy.
Yol. You are wrong, I say. Let me go straight-’way. I’m no spy, So I will say good day!
Chorus To the chieftain let us take him, Who will then define Punishment condign. Vainly he may try it to deny, But we believe it fully that he is a spy!
Yol. No spy Am I; With war I am no meddler. You see In me A harmless pigeon peddler. Each soldier has a girl he loves At home, secure; By means of these my carrier doves You may be sure Whether she is true to you And still doth you prefer. Buy a carrier pigeon, do, To send a note to her.
[Yolande exhibits the carrier pigeons to the Knights.]
Song—Yolande
Have you a sweetheart you fancy is true, Far from you now for a year and a day? Never a sky that all summer is blue, Never a maid that is faithful for aye. Has she your heart in a bright golden chain? Think you she loves you where’er you may be? Send her a letter to woo her again, Then if she’s true to you, lad, you’ll see.
Buy, buy, buy— Buy, buy, buy— Purchase a carrier dove and see If she still is faithful or fancy free. Buy, buy, buy— Buy, buy, buy— Oh, purchase a carrier dove and you’ll see If faithful your sweetheart can be.
Fond are those smiles you remember so well, Sweet are those kisses—you know them of old. Tender those eyes where your dream used to dwell, Red are those lips that their secrets unfold. Yours were they promised, but whose are they now? Come buy a pigeon to send to your dear, Soon he’ll return with a letter, I trow, Telling you you have been gone a year.
When I see my pigeons whirling, With their snowy wings unfurling, I laugh to think that one fine day A heart takes wing and flies away. A maid may promise and sweetly coo; Your world may dwell in her eyes of blue; But after a summer her fleeting love Is swift in its flight as a dove. Fly— fly— fly— fly!
Fond are those smiles, etc.
Recitative
Knights If she could not keep her faith for a year, Give us bright eyes, lads, and stick to good cheer! Ha, ha, ha! Ho, ho, ho!
Yolande Sound advice ’twould appear.
Duke That’s all very fine, but you have come to the wrong camp, young fellow. We are in the midst of a war that bids fair to last for hundreds of years.
Yol. How can that be, Your Grace, when your leader is that gallant Prince, your son?
Duke [disgusted] That country lout, that yokel—our son? No! We disown the clumsy boor—the—
Yol. [suspicious] Oh, but surely Your Grace has a son?
Duke Yes, the ungrateful wretch. Our real son ran away to avoid marrying the Princess. And I don’t blame him.
Yol. [indignant, aside] Oh, don’t you, indeed! [To Duke] And is he as handsome as his papa?
Duke That would be saying too much.
Yol. Your Grace, I know how you may end this cruel war. Will you hear my plan?
Duke Certainly.
Yol. Why not hire the Free Lance to lead your army? He would make mince-meat of the enemy.
Duke I thought of that myself. Have you any idea where he is?
Yol. He is somewhere in the vicinity.
Duke Young man, we thank you; your suggestion is admirable. We will inform our general. By the way, where is he?
Yol. Perhaps in his tent sleeping off the effects of his last bottle.
[Dagonet opens tent R. It is empty.]
Dag. Not there.
[Enter Emperor, Pertinax, and Amazons, L. U. E.]
Duke Gone?
Emp. [looking over the hedge, delighted] What a joke on them. They’ve mislaid their general. [Emperor and Amazons laugh.]
Pert. But where is our leader, the Princess?
Emp. Why, where should she be? Mapping out a campaign. [Throwing open tent L.] Behold our general.
[Opening the tent discloses Siegmund and Griselda, seated opposite each other. A small table between them, on which is a large bottle of wine. They are leaning toward each other and conversing affectionately. Sensation in both camps. The two do not notice that they are discovered.]
Sieg. [as if finishing a story—laughs] Well, sir, I laughed till I cried. It was—
All What? [Both surprised]
Sieg. Say, this is a private room. The regular café is downstairs.
Emp. Seize him! [Amazons seize Siegmund and drag him downstage. He surprised; Griselda annoyed] Let him be hanged.
Amazons [threatening] Hanged! [Griselda alarmed]
[Enter Florian.]
Recitative
Flor. Hold!— Release that man, And quickly I’ll convince You all of your mistake: I am the Prince! Yol. & Chorus What? Gris. Not the Prince?
Yol. My peasant the Prince? Chorus Astonishment we must evince!
Gris. What, you wretch? Deception most base. Sieg. Forgive, I pray; oh, grant me grace.
Song—Griselda
Gris. O shame, where is thy blush? Chorus O shame, where is thy blush? Gris. Oh where, oh where, oh where, oh where? Chorus In accents mark’d we ask, Both O shame, where is thy blush?
Emp. To think that you, O recreant Duke, Should have deceived us so! With keen but dignified rebuke I call such doings low. Gaze on that imitation Prince, A yokel might I ween; And then look on our Princess proud Whose mien proclaims the queen.
Gris. Yes, every inch a queen. Chorus Yes, every inch a queen.
Gris. You can see by my haughty and dignified air I’m a nat’ral-born Princess, a kind that is rare. Oh, I sneer when I’m talking, I strut when I’m walking, I have such a mean disposition.
All Yes, we see by her haughty and dignified air She’s a nat’ral-born Princess, a kind that is rare. Oh, she snubs us all greatly, She’s proud and she’s stately, Society, society for.
Recitative
Yol. Hold!— No longer I’ll stand tamely by; No Princess she! The Princess—am I! Flor. & Chorus What? Sieg. No Princess?
Gris. A princess is she!
Chorus Astonishment we must evince!
Sieg. So you deceived me, O impostress base!
Cheat! Charlatan! Go hide your traitress face.
Song—Siegmund Sieg. O shame, where is thy blush?
Chorus O shame, where is thy blush?
Sieg. Oh where, oh where, oh where, oh where?
Chorus Once more we would inquire,
Both O shame, where is thy blush?
Recitative Emp. Seize that self-styled Prince.
Chorus Arrest him!
Duke Seize that so-called Princess.
Chorus Arrest her!
Ensemble—Duke, Emperor, Florian, and Yolande [Alternating syllables on each hyphenated line]
Drama-tic sit-uation,
Excite-ment is intense;
Arous-ing ex-pectation
Of fearful consequence.
Emo-tion diff-erential
In ev-’ry pres-ent breast
Must now be con-fidential
Or else be roughly guessed.
All When feelings that are buoyant
Are struggling for a vent,
One needs a good clairvoyant
To tell just what is meant.
Grim counterpoint notation
No motive will transmit;
Then there’s the orchestration,
Which doesn’t help a bit.
Impostor base,
Your fate you know,
Your graceless face
How dare you show?
We drive you forth
In fashion stern;
Go south or north—
That’s your concern.
You’ll starve, maybe;
You’ll freeze, no doubt;
Hard times you’ll see;
That’s your lookout.
O hopeless one,
O child of woe,
Much later on
We’ll bid you go.
They call me impostor base
Right to our face!
We’re in disgrace. O heav’ns,
What can we mortals do?
We’ll starve, maybe.
Hard times we’ll see.
A child of woe,
I sadly go.
While others voice their
rage infernal
Allegro molto
agitato,
We two will vow our
love eternal,
Expressed in
melody legato.
Let them display without
abatement
Revenge or hatred
as you see;
Enough for me the
simple statement:
I love but thee
and only thee.
Sieg. & Gris. To all that noise pay no attention;
Though it may be considered fine,
We have a thing or two to mention
Which is important, we opine.
Our grief and anguish ill-concealing,
In woes and throes of deep despair,
Behold two helpless captives kneeling
Who beg thee, tyrant, spare, oh spare!
Impostor base,
Your fate you know,
Your graceless face
How dare you show?
Go, go, impostor, go!
Your face how dare you show?
Go, go, impostor, go!
Oh, how could you be so low?
Now we bid you go,
Child of woe!
We bid you go,
O child of woe;
We bid you go!
Mercy!
Mercy!
My grief and anguish
I reveal,
My woes and throes of
deep despair,
Behold a helpless
captive kneel,
Who is full of woe
When you say go.
Yes, full of woe
When you say go.
I love thee,
I love thee,
Only thee.
While others voice their
rage infernal
Allegro molto
agitato,
We two will vow our
love eternal—
I love but thee, only thee,
And only thee;
I love but thee,
And only thee!
All O hapless one,
O child of woe,
You’ll learn to know.
In unison (we/they) bid (you/us) go!
[During the ensemble, Siegmund is locked in chains, the key retained on a cord by Pertinax. Amazons escort Siegmund into tent L. Meanwhile, Griselda watches her chance and cuts the key from the cord; displays the key and exits L.]
[Exeunt omnes. Stage clear. Re-enter Griselda above the tent.]
Gris. My poor Siegmund! He may not be a prince, but he’s the only husband I have, and I can’t spare him. [Cautiously] Siggy, where are you? [Opens tent L., disclosing Siegmund in chains.]
Sieg. [dismally] The condemned, who was to be decapitationed, walked with a firm step to the gelatine. [Seeing Griselda] Oh, it’s you, is it, Grissy? I suppose you have come to ask about life insurance.
Gris. [insulted] Indeed! You had better be thinking of fire insurance.
Sieg. There she goes—making things hot for me. Oh, woman, how sweet the words of discomfort thou whisperest in our moments of infliction.
Gris. I come to save you. If you are hanged, what am I going to live on?
Sieg. Grissy! Kind, unselfish girl. [Tries to embrace her, but is chained]
Gris. Here are the keys. [Displaying them]
Sieg. Lock it open—quick. [Offering his chains for her to unlock] Hurry up. Remember, if they hang me, it’s a case of one more widow keeping boarders. Hurry up.
Gris. [unlocking chains] Don’t be so nervous and high-strung.
Sieg. High-strung? You bet I won’t, if I can help it.
Gris. [finished] There!
Sieg. It’s all off. Come on.
[They start to run off L. U. E., when the stage goes dark; Mopsa the Witch appears in their path, posing threateningly with uplifted crutch. She is an old dame like the traditional Mother Goose: red cloak, pointed hat, ruff, crutch-stick, etc. She has heavy gray eyebrows and sharp features. After Mopsa’s entrance, lights on again.]
Mopsa Stop! Whither go ye?
Sieg. It’s none of your business. The destitution we have in view is aimless. We are trying to get execution-proof.
Mopsa Tell me, good youth, who is the general here?
Sieg. Well, I was the general mark for everybody.
Mopsa Whoe’er he be, I have a priceless gift for him.
Sieg. Keep your hands in your pockets, Grissy. This is a Mother Goose bunco.
Mopsa Listen. Years ago, I was young—beautiful—of all the country round I was the toast.
Sieg. The roast?
Mopsa [severely] The toast. [Sentimentally] I had a daughter.
Sieg. A what?
Mopsa A daughter.
Sieg. Oh, I thought you said “a dog.”
Mopsa She was stolen from me. I have sought her for years—alas, in vain. You seem a stalwart, high-spirited youth.
Sieg. [sadly] I used to be the walking delegate of the Brigands’ Union. Oh, if I only had my hair.
Mopsa Help me to find my daughter, and leave your hair to me.
Sieg. [sings] “I’ve got no hair to leave you—” Chief of my band once more. Oh, transporation!
Gris. But how are we to know your daughter?
Mopsa By the usual copyright signs. A strawberry mark on her right knee—
Gris. [startled] Ah!—
Mopsa A necklace of rarest emeralds about her neck—
Gris. Ah!—
Mopsa A ring about her baby finger.
Gris. Ah!— The ring! [Shows it] The necklace! [Shows it]
Sieg. [curiously] How about the strawberry mark? [About to investigate]
Gris. I beg your pardon!
Sieg. Strawberries, strawberries—two quarts for a quarter.
Mopsa My daughter! [Swoons]
Gris. My mother! [Swoons]
Sieg. My mother-in-law! [Swoons. Business. They recover] My wife’s mother is in the witch business. I’ll bet she’ll turn me into something. The street, maybe. [Business] But come, I have discovered your daughter. Now restoration my hair.
Mopsa The fairy Mopsa will keep her word. [She waves her wand. The stage darkens]
Come, all ye powers of darkness; I invoke your aid. Come Zamiel—Asmodeus—Mephistopheles— Spirits of earth and air; Bring back his vanished hair!
[Crash of thunder. Exit Mopsa. Lights up.]
Sieg. I got it—I got it! Oh joy! How do you like it?
Gris. It kind of grows on you.
Sieg. You know, your mother is a nice old lady. I’m so grateful to her, I don’t think I’ll let her live with us.
Gris. What are you going to do, now that you are your old self again?
Sieg. I’ll get my band together again in fifteen minutes; and once more the world will ring with the name of Siegmund Lump, the human earthquake.
[Enter the Emperor L.]
Gris. Oh, look, Siegmund. There’s that temporary papa of mine, who was going to have you hanged.
Sieg. [seizing Emperor by the throat] Well, I may as well start right in, now.
[Burlesque melodrama. Music.]
Sieg. At last! The hand of Nemesis is walking after you, and the foot of oppression has got you by the Adam’s apple.
Emp. One moment—remember our nerves. We are very much worried with a war just now.
Sieg. A wart?
Emp. No, mister—a war! a war!
Sieg. Grissy, give the gentleman a card. [She does so]
Emp. [reading card] “Siegmund Lump, Promoter.” Why, I understood you were a brigand.
Sieg. That’s the old name for us. Now they call us promoters.
Emp. You are just the very man I want. Just the one to get up a syndicate to take this war off my hands. What will you charge for your trusty steel?
Sieg. Do you want common or preferred?
Emp. We want the enemy crushed out of existence.
Sieg. Well, that will cost you ten thousand simoleons.
Emp. [staggered] What! [Griselda supports him]
Sieg. Cash in advance.—I see that settles it with you. Come on, Grissy; in a minute he’ll want to pay us in cigarette coupons. [Both start off, disgusted]
Emp. Hold on a minute.
Sieg. [going] No. We don’t want any trading stamps.
Emp. [wildly]
Wait!
[Buttonholes Siegmund; coming down]
Now, I’ll tell you what I’ll do. I’ll pay you immediately after the battle.
Sieg.
Well, it’s not our usual custom to do business; however, who do you want me
to fight against?
Emp.
The Duke—the deceitful pauper. Annihilate him. Unchain the dogs of war.
Sieg. [aside to Griselda]
He thinks this is going to be a dog-fight.
Emp.
You’ll wear our uniform, of course.
Sieg.
Yes, we’ll throw that in.
Emp.
Ah, at last—a victory by proxy.
[Exit Emperor.]
Sieg.
I’ll bet his wife is a medicated blonde—he always has to ”buy peroxide.“
[The Duke and his Knights are
heard approaching offstage R.]
Duke [off]
Guard the prisoner well, my men.
Gris.
Hush; here’s the man we’re going to fight against.
Sieg. [looking off R.]
The Duke.
[Enter Duke, speaking off as he enters.]
Duke [seeing Siegmund]
Hello, it’s the “Prince.”
[Laughs. Griselda indignant.]
Gris.
He’s laughing at you.
Sieg.
Let him laugh. Remember, he which laughs last giggles yet beside.
Grissy, he takes one card.
[Griselda gives the Duke a card.]
Duke
What? Can I believe my eyes? Siegmund Lump! You know, I can’t do this war justice;
I have so much drinking to do. I want you to take it off my hands.
Sieg.
The drinking?
Duke
No, no. The war.
Sieg.
Well, war is our regular business, but we come high.
Our price is ten thousand plunkerinos.
Duke
Not in advance, I trust.
Sieg.
Well, you may trust, but we are suspicious.
Duke
We will pay you as soon as you defeat the enemy.
Sieg.
Grissy, go and tell the boys we’ve got a couple of jobs.
Gris.
To arms! To arms!
[Exit Griselda L. U. E.]
Duke
You’ll wear our uniform, of course.
Sieg.
Sure we will. Oh, but say, Dukey, who do you want to fight?
Duke
Why, that poverty-stricken fraud the Emperor.
[Exit Duke R.]
Sieg.
The Emperor! Jiminy Christmas, I got to fight on both sides.
I got an awful scrap on with myself. I know what I’ll do: I’ll lie congealed
in ambushes, patiently, till I come along unsuspicioning. Then with one yell
I’ll rush out on myself and commission Susancide.
[Exit Siegmund L. U. E.
Stage clear. Enter Florian L.]
Flor.
I’m having the time of my life. Prisoner of war to a lot of Amazons!
I feel like the only man at a summer resort. And to think that my rustic belle
is the Princess.
[Enter Yolande R.]
Yol.
Oh—there you are! So, sirrah. You thought to gain the confidence of a poor
peasant girl by pretending you were not the Prince.
Flor.
Yes, but you ran away to escape marriage with me.
Yol.
Of course I did. I heard that you were handsome, and I detest handsome men.
They’re so conceited. But now that I’ve seen you, and know differently, why—ah—
[Breaks down]
Isn’t the weather delightful?— But now I think on it, you ran away
to escape marriage with me.
Flor.
Yes, Princess, I confess it. You see, they told me that you were clever and
intellectual.
Yol. [flattered]
Well, of course, I—
Flor. [interrupting]
Rumor is always false.
Yol. [angry]
Oh!
Flor.
And now I know the truth: that you are just a sweet lovable woman who would
make a good wife. As soon as the war is over, I shall ask your father’s permission
to marry you.
[Going]
But I could never marry a woman of advanced ideas.
[Exit Florian L.]
Yol. [speaking after him]
No, I’m sure you couldn’t!
[Enter the Duke surrounded by his
Knights and Dagonet,
all jollying him, laughing as they enter.
Duke very proud.]
Dag.
Hail the conquering hero!
Knights
All hail!
Duke
Thanks, fellow heroes.
[Sees Yolande]
Aha!— our fair prisoner. To add zest to our triumph, the Princess shall wait on us.
Yol.
Wait on you?
[Laughs. Knights offended]
Know, sir, that I am a princess. Like time and tide, I wait on no man.
[Enter Florian with five Amazons
L. U. E.]
Flor. [his arms around Amazons]
You need not worry about your prisoner. I assure you I have no desire to escape.
[Florian sees Yolande,
breaks from girls. At this moment the Emperor and
Pertinax enter L.]
Yol. [to Florian]
Recreant! Never speak to me again!
[Seeing the Emperor]
Father! The insolence of these wretches. They make me the Duke’s cup-bearer.
Emp.
Ha, do they so? But we shall avenge you, my child.
Pert.
We are about to win a glorious victory.
Duke [laughing scornfully]
Ha, ha, ha! Poor fool—won’t he be surprised.
Emp. [chuckling with Pertinax]
He, he, he! He hasn’t the least idea.
[Trumpets are heard offstage, playing a theme identified with the
Emperor’s party. Exit Florian.
L.]
Pert.
Your Majesty, our army is approaching.
Duke [melodramatically]
Maledictions! They have reinforcements.
[The refrain of “I do it all by proxy” is played in the style of a military
march. The Knights group frightened at
R.; the Amazons welcome the new
arrivals. With great military display the Chorus of Siegmund’s Brigands
cross the stage at back from L. to R.,
Siegmund at their head. They wear the white and gold uniform
of the Emperor.]
Emp. [as the procession crosses]
Now, you cowardly wretches, we’ll finish you.
[Exit Yolande L. I. At this point
Siegmund and his band have crossed and disappeared
R. U. E.
[Trumpets are heard off R., playing a theme identified
with the Duke.]
Dag.
Listen, Your Grace. The bugles of our new troops.
Emp. [alarmed]
Perdition! They, too, have reinforcements.
[The Duke and his followers become brave.
Emperor and Amazons shrink,
frightened, to L.
[While a spirited march is played and the Knights
cheer, Siegmund and his band march across at back from
R. to L.. They now wear the
claret-colored uniform of the Duke. Arriving at
C., the Brigands halt,
keeping in profile.]
Duke [triumphantly]
Renegade, we have you in our power!
Emp. [puzzled]
Yes, but where are our men?
[Siegmund and Brigands
about-face, revealing themselves in the white and gold uniform. Joy of the
Emperor; dismay of the Duke.
[Music: refrain of the War-Song. Siegmund and
Brigands now face the audience. They are dressed in
a uniform which is divided down the center. They march down singing.]
Song—Siegmund I am a salaried warrior
And I do not fight for fame,
For I’m a regular businessman
And the cash is all I claim.
O glory may be all right enough,
But it pays no bills, you see;
So when a victory grand I win
My terms are C. O. D.
Brigands We love the flag, the clash of steel;
We glory in the fight;
But first of all we must be sure
The cash will be all right.
Sieg. We’re bold—
Brigands So bold—
Sieg. For gold—
Brigands For gold—
Sieg. Forever delighting in fighting; it is my trade.
A terrible fellow in battle if I am paid.
Whoe’er his enemy would worst
Should always settle with me, settle with me, first.
Sieg. & Brigands Forever delighting in fighting, etc.
Sieg. Some soldiers fight for a monument
With a statue or a bust,
But I’m a regular businessman
And my motto is “No trust.”
Some heroes sigh for immortal fame
And with laurels they are crowned,
But what’s the use of a laurel wreath
When you are under ground?
Brigands The pride and pomp of glorious war
Just makes our spirits bound;
But still we like to feel secure
When pay-day comes around.
Sieg. We’re rash—
Brigands So rash—
Sieg. For cash—
Brigands For cash—
Sieg. Forever delighting in fighting, etc.
Sieg.
The struggle was terrifical. We opened fire on ourselves with our heavy artillery.
We replied by throwing bums into their camp—this is one of the bums. Then we charged.
We broke our left wing. Then we broke our right wing. Then we began to fly.
Duke
Here, hold on! How could you fly with both wings broken?
Sieg.
We are soldiers, not canary-birds. When the morning sun sitted in the east, ha ha—the
Emperor’s banner fleeted over the camp of the Duke.
Emp. and Amazons
Hooray! Victory!
Sieg.
Wait a minute. Also, the Duke’s banner flittered over the Emperor’s camp.
Duke and Knights
Hooray! Victory!
[Enter Yolande L. I.
Enter Florian R. I.
Enter Griselda L. U. E. with bills.]
Yol. [grasping Siegmund’s hand]
How can I ever thank you?
[Florian shakes Siegmund’s
other hand]
Gris.
The bill!
[Presenting bills simultaneously to
Emperor and Duke]
Emp.
What’s this?
Duke
Ten thousand ducats—! Why, the expense of the war must be paid by the vanquished foe.
Emp.
Not by me. I’m broke.
Duke
I haven’t a copper.
Sieg. [indignant]
What? Do you mean to say that after my fighting like a demon on both sides,
I can’t collect what’s coming to me?
Emp. and Duke
Not from me.
Sieg.
The double cross!
[Growls of discontentment from the Brigands]
Gris.
Why not capture both camps and pay ourselves?
Brigands
Aye, aye!
[They start to rush at the two camps]
Sieg.
Stop! Let all be done according to League rules.
By the power of my sword, I proclamation myself Siegmund the First, joint King of
Graftiana and Braggadocia.
Finale All Drums are beating—
Sieg. And calling to the fight—away!
Be ready
And steady,
And forward all in brave array.
All The din of battle—
Sieg. Is music to the soldier’s ear,
Be ready,
Very steady,
For the fatal hour is near.
Yol. & Flor. ’Tis time that patriots should arm to save the nation.
The world is watching, waiting for us,
And our leaders bold are sure to make a great sensation,
They’ll win us glory evermore.
All On to victory, for the enemy may well beware.
We certainly will win a battle glorious,
And o’er the craven foe we’ll be victorious.
On to victory, for our valor makes them all despair.
To the roll of the drum
Bold heroes come
All ready to do and dare.
Principals With a plan— rat-a-plan—
Hear the drum— rat-a-plan—
Telling the world the heroes come.
With a plan— rat-a-plan—
Hear the drum— rat-a-plan—
Telling the world the heroes come.
All Whatever we may really think we’re not prepared to say.
Someone must do or die;
I don’t think it is I.
Still, we can join the cry.
On to victory, etc.
Forward! Lead us on to battle, to the fight!
Away!