This is Edward M. Taber and John Philip Sousa’s comic operetta The Queen of Hearts, transcribed and edited by Arthur O’Dwyer (2025).
The text, including the “Introductory Remarks,” is taken from a book published in 1886 by R. O. Polkinhorn & Sons, a copy of which is in the Library of Congress (call number ML50.S719.Q3.1886), although I used a photocopy from the Paul Bierley papers in the Sousa Archives at UIUC (box 79 folder 5).
Many small corrections, especially to punctuation, have been made quietly. Larger corrections, issues, and notes are marked in the text like this, with further details in the mouseover text.
The typographical presentation is inspired by Asimov’s Annotated Gilbert & Sullivan (1988).
See also The Queen of Hearts’s entry in Paul E. Bierley’s The Works of John Philip Sousa (1984).
Words by Edward M. Taber
Music by John Philip Sousa
First produced at Albaugh’s Opera House in Washington on April 12, 1886
This jingle epitomizes, or rather, elaborates, a thrilling narrative which has already been brought to the notice of most of us at a tender age, through the medium of a poem commencing:
“The Queen of Hearts,
She made some tarts
Upon a Summer’s day;
The Knave of Hearts,
He found the tarts,
And with them ran away.”
The authorship of this interesting poem is naturally shrouded in the mystery surrounding most of the literary productions of Mother Goose, of whose early life and antecedents we have little reliable information; but as no cipher has as yet been discovered in her poems which would warrant us in ascribing them to any contemporaneous writer, it would be unjust to dispute her claim to their authorship. It is believed, however, that in this instance she must have derived some assistance from one Hoyle, a technical writer of some repute. The incidents of the story may be briefly summarized as follows:
The Queen of Hearts, it appears, being somewhat of an epicure, had an especial fondness for tarts. The legend is silent as to the precise species of this delightful pastry which afforded the Queen such particular pleasure, but probably it was a huckleberry tart (a species of the comestible now unknown). At any rate, it is so assumed in this jingle. The Knave of Hearts, possessed of an inordinate fancy for amateur larceny (now known as Kleptomania), feloniously abstracts a special edition of the royal tarts intended for a reception and banquet, tendered by the Queen of Hearts to the Courts of three adjacent Kingdoms, known as the Diamonds, Spades, and Clubs. (See Hoyle.) The guests arrive in due time, but differ in this respect from the tarts, which fail to make their appearance at the proper moment, owing to circumstances already narrated. This catastrophe, acting upon the susceptible nervous system of the Queen, causes her to swoon, but serious results are averted by the timely administration of Ammonia; the virtues of which the Little Joker (the official humorist) takes advantage of the occasion to extol. The Knave unwittingly betrays his guilt by an unusual agitation, and the necessity of stringent measures to discover the culprit which the King of Hearts was about to adopt is thus obviated. The King summons the Headsman, and the Knave is about to be decapitated, when the noble-hearted Queen, and the other ladies, actuated by the magnanimous impulses which are characteristic of the sex, intercede, and the sentence is commuted to the punishment of being placed under the pump and saturated with water. It may be added that the other three Knaves were “accessories after the fact” in assisting the Knave of Hearts to devour the purloined pastry, but their share in the crime is undetected, and (beyond some gastric infelicity) unpunished.
It will thus be seen that the narrative ends without any unpleasant results, save the involuntary bath of the Knave, and an unexpected omission in the menu of the banquet.
Alone of the court cards, the Queen of Spades has no solo lines. The Headsman is non-speaking. The only non-court card with a solo line is the Ace of Hearts.
Scene.—Kitchen in the Palace of Hearts. Chorus of Cooks and Kitchen Maids discovered at work.
Chorus
As attachés of the Queen, In the Palace here we live, In her Majesty’s cuisine, Which we find quite lucrative.
Cooks Observe our looks; We are the cooks. We’ve memorized the culinary books. We know by heart Our noble art, Especially the structure of a tart, And when we wish To make a dish To satisfy the royal appetite, Condensing art Into a tart Creates the most ecstatical delight. ’Twill thus be seen That we sixteen Are quite essential to the queen.
Certain of our indispensability, Life is but play, Day after day. Nothing at all marring our tranquility, We dance the hours away.
Kitchen Maids We’re of the grade Of kitchen maid, For which we are quite adequately paid. We’re always seen With mien serene. We keep the kitchen scrupulously clean. It’s not our aim, Nor do we claim Distinction in the higher walks of art, Nor like the cooks Pore over books To learn the composition of a tart. ’Twill thus be seen That we sixteen Are quite essential to the queen.
All Certain of our indispensability, Life is but play, Day after day. Nothing at all marring our tranquility, We dance the hours away.
[Enter Little Joker.]
Little Joker Please give me your attention; A weighty fact I’ll mention; The queen her royal way is wending In this immediate direction. To give, in manner condescending, Her kitchen personal inspection.
Girls Although in fact we see no reason Why here our mistress should intrude, If we should say so, ’twould be treason— We’ll take a reverent attitude.
[Enter Queen of Hearts.]
Song—Queen of Hearts
Sweet is life when one’s a queen, Sweet to reign with royal mien. But this alone could not allure, For I am a royal epicure. Sweets I have in ample store, Dainties brought from every shore, But nothing cheers my yearning heart Like a huckleberry tart. The joy of my heart Is only a tart, A huckleberry tart.
Chorus Thus do we by our art Gladden her heart. Q. H. & Chorus Let other joys depart; Leave (me/her), oh, leave (me/her) the tart!
Q. H. My trusty maidens, we desire to know Whether you have prepared the royal dough.
Girls We have, my queen.
Q. H. Art certain you have made no fault In measuring the royal salt?
Girls We are, my queen.
Q. H. The royal lard from Greece is here, we trust, In proper quantity for making crust?
Girls It is, my queen.
Q. H. Has each one of you had allowed her The usual weight of baking powder?
Girls She has, my queen.
Little Joker Not so, my liege—’tis Rumford’s that they use.
Q. H. It matters not. Whichever you may choose. And have the foreign secretaries Sent the royal huckleberries To formulate the royal jam From the royal gardens at Amsterdam?
Girls They have, my queen.
Q. H. ’Tis well. Our famous huckleberry tarts Will grace the banquet of the Queen of Hearts.
[Exit Queen of Hearts.]
Little Joker And with spontanous jokes I shall be fraught. They’ve cost me many weeks of patient thought.
[Exit Little Joker.]
Head Cook Now at our work we’ve done our best. The oven shall perform the rest.
Chorus Certain of our, etc.
[Exeunt Girls.
[Enter Knave of Hearts.]
Song—Knave of Hearts
I’ve a moral aberration That’s beyond my explanation: Sinful misappropriation Harmonizes with my mood. I’ve an ardent inclination For a little peculation, Just by way of deviation From the path of rectitude.
I’ve perused a commentary, Read a large vocabulary, Pondered o’er a dictionary With a view to learn the cause; And can say that I am very Sure it is not customary Or accords with temporary Or with fundamental laws.
There’s a lawful interdiction Which is not a legal fiction But is meant as a restriction On this species of exploit; But the danger of conviction Don’t diminish my affliction, For in moral dereliction I’m peculiarly adroit.
I’ve perused a commentary, etc.
Mysteries of evolution And our planet’s revolution Are more easy of solution Than the fact that this defect— Which is scarcely Lilliputian— Shows no sign of diminution In a moral constitution Which is otherwise correct.
I’ve perused a commentary, etc.
Such is the melancholy fact; And so I’ll do some sinful act, Some deed of felony and guile, In the most nefarious style.
What do I see? Huckleberry tarts! Done to a T For the Queen of Hearts! With a high degree of malice I’ll cast gloom o’er the palace By abstracting the aforesaid tarts.
And when the Queen demands her tarts in vain She’ll learn how hollow is a monarch’s reign; And royal bliss shall meet plebeian pain Upon misfortune’s everlasting plane.
[Exit Knave of Hearts with tarts.]
Scene.—The Throne Room of the Palace of Hearts.
[Enter Clubs.]
Chorus of Clubs
We’re warriors bold, and always in our armor, To fight for our queen should treason seek to harm her; No subject dreams of treason, But that’s no valid reason Why we should not prepare for war. That’s what our clubs are for.
[Enter Spades.]
Chorus of Spades
Our coat of arms expresses toil And cultivation of the soil; It is indicative, ’tis true, Of something that we never do.
[Enter Diamonds.]
Chorus of Diamonds
With diamonds we’re gaily decked, We may appear extravagant in this respect; But our peculiar laws require Adornments of that character in our attire. We’ve a passion for that fashion, so we do not object; Any other style of costume would be quite incorrect. These diamonds as heirlooms have their charms; Besides, they represent our family coat of arms.
[Enter Hearts.]
Chorus of Hearts
Hearts are emblematic Of that state erratic Known as Love, which some regard as vanity, Some as simply folly, Some as melancholy, Others as a species of insanity.
A. H. We’ve told our story though we are aware it is An exposé of our peculiarities.
K. H. Good friends, we bid you welcome one and all Within the portals of our ancient hall.
Little Joker Be merry all, with no one in the dumps. Imagine that for once you all are trumps.
K. H. Let each be gay in any way he cares, While we four Kings talk over state affairs.
[to K. S.] We learn you’ve changed your guardian of the peace— That you’ve removed your deuce from the police.
K. S. Why, yes; our deuce no subject would obey. We found he could not even take the trey.
K. H. Our deuce was ill, but has recovered; though He was considered once as very low.
[to K. D.] Has anything occurred within your court Sufficiently important to report?
K. D. Our dancing master has absconded, but He taught us how to shuffle ere he cut.
K. H. [to K. C.] I hear, good King, there recently arose Some trouble ’twixt you and the dominoes.
K. C. Oh! that is all explained. ’Twas nothing, after all. It chanced the dominoes paid me a call, And my gate-keeper, not intending tricks, By accident, blocked out the double six.
Q. H. Now, friends, your kind attention we’ll invoke; The Little Joker will produce a joke.
K. S. [aside to Q. S.] This is quite sad, but still we can’t refuse her. [aloud] Bring forward your professional amuser.
Q. H. Our little joker never tries His hand at deep profundity; K. H. But only, as his name implies, Diminutive jocundity.
Q. H. But do not smile when you the joke have heard, For such a thing has never yet occurred; K. H. And as he’s never been accustomed to it, Have mercy on his health, and do not do it.
Little Joker This thoughtfulness, my queen, I’ll not forget. Your condescension you will not regret. [to omnes] Though this witticism is unique, I threw it off on the spur of the— week. “Though our queen has twelve hearts, not inclusive of me, “After supper she will have ate tarts”—do you see?
Q. C. For jokes like that we truly are Not apt to clamor; K. C. And this one is peculiar For wretched grammar.
Knave H. [aside] Not only wrong in grammar, but in fact; They’ll find his statement wholly inexact.
Q. H. [to Joker] As now we are sufficiently amused, Your further services will be excused.
Little Joker Sometimes o’er my brain, like a vague sort of mist, Comes a thought—’tis but a fancy, I guess— That in my vocation as Court Humorist I’m not always a perfect success.
Knave H. What he is a success in—well, It’s really too hard to tell.
Song—Knave of Hearts
I’m about to sing a song— It’s happily not long— Of things I do not understand too well; I’ll lay the facts before you, But whether they will bore you It’s really too hard to tell.
Now, the foremost on this list Is this so-called humorist Who’s paid all gloomy fancies to dispel; But how he earns his money, Or wherein he is funny, It’s really too hard to tell.
K. H. Until the feast is ready, let us play A game of cards to pass the time away.
Q. D. But I beg leave, your majesty, to say That with ourselves a game we cannot play.
Little Joker Progressive Euchre! All No! K. H. I see no chance Except the pleasure of the mazy dance.
Knave H. Suppose the ten of diamonds we consult? She is authority on themes occult.
Q. H. Pray, Knave, explain yourself. Why, what does she know?
Knave H. The ten of diamonds? Why, she’s great casino.
Q. H. We’ll lay your proposition on the shelf; We’re competent to run this thing ourself. And now official cares we’ll quickly banish; We’ll have a dance. Let it be something Spanish.
[Dance: Fandango.
[After dance, enter the four Knaves.]
Quartette—Knaves
Knave H. Now list while I confess: By sinful arts I wickedly possess The royal tarts!
Others [spoken] Horrible!
That you should pilfer tarts, Or even pies, Creates within our hearts A sad surprise.
Knave H. That you have noble hearts I recognize; But would not eating tarts Cause glad surprise?
Others That throws upon the scheme Another light; On second thought we deem That you are right.
Knave H. And to conceal the deed Ere they are missed— Others Like noble friends in need We will assist.
All Four Iniquitous as this offence is, We can hide it still, And remove its evidences With consummate skill.
[All eat tarts to music, and exit.]
Scene.—Banquet Room of the Palace of Hearts.
[Enter Kings, Queens, Knaves, Little Joker, Hearts, Diamonds, Spades, and Clubs.]
Nonette—Kings, Queens, and Little Joker
Q. H. Of course, throughout our domain of Hearts, You’ve heard of our famed huckleberry tarts.
Q. D. Oh, yes, their fame has reached us by report; They’re often spoken of within our court.
K. D. [aside] A genteel fiction common in society. Q. D. [aside] We’ve heard of tarts, but not of that variety.
Q. H. Of eating them you soon shall have the pleasure; You’ll find these tarts a gastronomic treasure.
Kings, Queens, Joker We all are waiting, Anticipating This gastronomic treasure; The huckleberry We’re sure is very Indicative of pleasure.
[to Knave H.] Come hither, Knave; unto the kitchen go, And bring the tarts; and do not move so slow.
Knave H. [aside] I’d rather she had sent me to the war. This is a thing I had not bargained for.
[Exit Knave of Hearts.]
Q. C. I hope it will not be considered wrong If I request our host to sing a song.
K. H. No, not at all. It will afford me pleasure To musically melodize a measure. I’ll sing a little fable with a moral, Which shows that with your lot you should not quarrel.
Song—King of Hearts
The Frogs, in ages long ago— So runs the ancient fable— No ruler had; a state, you know, Decidedly unstable. And, being in this dismal strait, To Jove they made petition This anarchy to terminate By filling the position.
[Chorus croaks in imitation of frogs.]
K. H. “Give us, O mighty Jove, a King “To sway the sceptre o’er us”: Thus did the Frogs assembled sing, Or rather, croak, in chorus. And when their clamor reached his ears Great Jove was interested, And in a Log grown green with years Despotic power vested.
[Chorus as before.]
K. H. King Log serene and silent sate, And ruled that damp dominion, But never on affairs of state Gave dictum or opinion. The Frogs became dissatisfied; Their loyalty grew cooler; And once again to Jove they cried To send another ruler.
[Chorus as before.]
K. H. Then Jove, incensed, a Stork ordained As sovereign of the nation, Who showed his subjects, while he reigned, Some novel arbitration. When Frogs with grievances would call He soon their troubles banished— He gobbled grievance, Frog, and all, Till every Frog had vanished.
[Chorus as before.]
K. C. If I the moral do interpret rightly, It means (to paraphrase the poet slightly) “Better to bear with ills we do not love, “Than fly to others that we know not of.”
[Enter Knave of Hearts.]
Knave H. A terrible disaster has occurred! The tarts— Q. H. Well, what? Speak quick! Little Joker Don’t be absurd! Knave H. They’re gone! Q. H. Gone! All Gone! K. H. Say quickly what you mean! Knave H. They’re stolen—cribbed—abstracted—vanished clean!
K. H. Sound the alarum! Close the postern gate And telephone the Minister of State! Tell him to scour the world from zone to zone, And summon all the cooks before the throne!
Q. H. One moment, Knave. [Aside] Be still, my beating heart! Are they all gone? Knave H. There isn’t left a tart.
[Exit Knave of Hearts. Queen of Hearts screams and faints.]
K. H. [to guests] To incommode you I would much regret, But has any one of you a vinaigrette?
[All instantly produce large smelling-bottles, the Little Joker a very large one. He holds it to the Queen’s nose. She partially recovers.]
Song—Little Joker
It is a well established fact That nothing serves so well To neutralize and counteract A swoon or fainting spell As this peculiar drug, they say, Which you will recognize By pungent memories which may Bring tears into your eyes.
Chorus Ammonia! ammonia! Perhaps in Patagonia The natives say “Ammonier,” But we regard it tonier To call it thus: Ammonia, Am-mo-ni-ah!
Little Joker Now when the system has incurred A sudden nervous shock, This remedy, so I have heard, Should always be in stock. We’re never seen at Court without The article I’ve named, For royal nerves, we have no doubt, Most fragilely are framed.
Chorus Ammonia! ammonia! etc.
Little Joker I do not specially refer To this, the liquid state, For if you should administer The solid carbonate You’d still discover the effect Substantially the same, As tending to at once correct A shatter’d nervous frame.
Chorus Ammonia! ammonia! etc.
[At conclusion of song, the Little Joker accidentally gets a sniff of his own bottle, and falls over.]
K. H. Another dose will bring him to instanter. Similia similibus curantur.
[King of Hearts holds smelling-bottle to Little Joker’s nose. He instantly revives.
[Enter Cooks, followed by Knave of Hearts.]
Cooks Observe our looks, etc.
All Certain of (our/their) indispensability, Life is but play, Day after day. Nothing at all marring (our/their) tranquility, (We/They) dance the hours away.
K. H. [to Cooks] What know you of the history Of this felonious mystery?
Head Cook Of crime, in either action or intent, We are, your majesty, quite innocent.
Q. H. I think the maid speaks truly. But see there! The Knave stands trembling like a frightened hare.
K. H. Aha! Q. H. [aside to K. H.] Perchance from conscious guilt he’s trembling. He never was proficient in dissembling.
K. H. Accursed Knave, there’s pie-crust on your vest!
[Knave of Hearts brushes his vest with his hand.]
K. H. Now does he stand a villain self-confessed. He fell into my little legal snare, And tried to brush away what wasn’t there.
Knave H. Have mercy, master; I confess the sin; I did the deed. It was the fatal weakness in My moral creed.
K. H. [to Joker] Summon at once the headsman to the court— [to Knave H.] And say your prayers, you knave; your time is short.
[Exit Little Joker.]
Knave S. [aside to other Knaves] I now believe in earthly retribution. A biliousness pervades my constitution.
Knave D. [likewise] Upon that point I’ve always been a skeptic, But I’m converted by these pains dyspeptic.
Knave C. [likewise] The doctrine now is proved beyond all question: Ill-gotten pastry causes indigestion.
[Enter Headsman, followed by Little Joker.]
K. H. Sir Headsman, is your axe in good repair?
[Headsman bows assent.]
K. H. Then execute the trembling traitor there.
Song—Queen of Hearts and Girls
Oh, spare, we pray you, spare this wretched Knave; We supplicate on bended knee. Despite his crime, his life we fain would save; Steel not your heart against our plea. Reverse the dreadful sentence just decreed; Oh, let us not in vain implore! Let Mercy with stern Justice intercede; Let him repent and sin no more.
K. H. I’ll give the Knave a chance for his repentance. Go, Headsman, we’ll commute the royal sentence. Hold him beneath the pump sufficient time To test the hydropathic cure for crime.
[Headsman goes up with Knave of Hearts.]
Little Joker [aside] No culprit has that Headsman ever axed; And for this sinecure the country’s taxed!
Finale
Q. H. At the next banquet of the Queen of Hearts The royal army shall protect the tarts.
Sweet is life when one’s a queen, Sweet to reign with royal mien. But this alone could not allure, For I am a royal epicure. Sweets I have in ample store, Dainties brought from every shore, But nothing cheers my yearning heart Like a huckleberry tart. The joy of my heart Is only a tart, A huckleberry tart.
Chorus Thus do we by our art Gladden her heart. Q. H. & Chorus Let other joys depart; Leave (me/her), oh, leave (me/her) the tart!
Knave H. As a bitter consequence Of my criminal offense I now must meet a punishment most fell; But whether it will cure me So that sin will not allure me Is really too hard to tell.
Chorus It’s really too hard to tell!
[The Knave of Hearts is taken up and ducked under the pump. Repeatedly he faints and is revived by the Little Joker’s smelling-bottle.]
Little Joker I think to-night we’ve proved the fact That nothing serves so well To neutralize and counteract A swoon or fainting spell As this peculiar drug, they say, Which you will recognize By pungent memories which may Bring tears into your eyes.
Chorus Ammonia! ammonia! Perhaps in Patagonia The natives say “Ammonier,” But we regard it tonier To call it thus: Ammonia, Am-mo-ni-ah!